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I Confess a Shiver
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Men: Are you "Good Will Humping?"
A funny little article from Claude Mills entitled "GOOD WILL HUMPING"
Quote:
I know a lot of people are going to hate me for writing this, but I am going to write it anyway. I am (drum roll please) a big fan of ugly women.
I like ugly girls. Hey, they’re people too. But I would like to clear up a few false rumors about them. A few years ago, Major Mackerel did a whole series of songs which revolved around the theme, the ‘uglier the girl, the tighter the hole’ that got major play in the dance hall. I would like to say this philosophy is not true. Some ugly girls, by virtue of their low self-esteem, literally give it away, sometimes they force it on to you, and being men, we take it, if it’s only to pad our numbers.
But it’s all good in the end. Ugly girls need love too. It’s an idea whose time has come round at last, one I like to call Goodwill Humping. Give that ugly wench ‘a charity screw’, it’s a sort of species of Noblesse Oblige. We owe it to these women. Why not give her a good roll in the hay, something to interrupt the tedium of her joyless, I-am-nobody ride to the grave? And I know that EVERY man has done it at least once, made love to an ugly-ass woman, and we should all ‘fess up. If not, then who is screwing all these ugly women? I don’t care who you are, every man must have made it with at least one truly ugly woman in his lifetime, or else he is not a real man.
I know what you’re thinking, all my esteem should go out the window with a comment like that, but strangely, that is not the case. I am just being honest. I am a man. Man is descended from an African carnivore, innately aggressive, inherently territorial and endlessly horny. This is what we do, and if you women sometimes wonder why your man would cheat on you with a skank who is ten times uglier than you, that’s the reason, we’re men. And if you listen to the barbershop gossips, the ‘naany is an ugly thing anyway, so what’s the diff?”.
Ugly chicks have game. They go all out, they strive to give full pleasure to their partners, they perfect the art of using their tongues, and they give selflessly, a single-minded determination to please you in every conceivable way. Not so with pretty girls. I have found that some pretty good-looking women actually think that it is a privilege for you to do the horizontal mambo with them. Years ago, I remember making love to a gorgeous girl who complained that I sweat too much. Frustrated, I got pissed and shouted: “If I didn’t sweat I’d die, bitch!”.
But it is not always magic. As I have grown older, and am no longer the horny young buck I once was, I have found it more, um, challenging to make it with ugly women. I once did the nasty with this awful looking chick, a real charity screw. I was horny, got my first ‘bruk’ as it were, and then, had to fake my second orgasm so I could get some sleep because I just wasn’t into her. The morning after I woke up to find this beast of Hades on the pillow beside me, pinning my left hand under her body. I was mortified. If I were a stronger man, I would have chewed off my arm to escape, but I had to wake her up and face her again. It was horrible and she wanted a ‘round three’ in the early morning’, I had to invent some flimsy excuse, and as soon as I could slink away from the room, and perform a savage act of self-flagellation (not self-fellatio, you slackers) on myself for having spent the night with her. You can only do it with truly gorgeous women in the morning. Otherwise, fuhgettaboutit!
In closing, I would like to say that everyone has their own curious little fantasies. Whatever floats your boat, go for it. One of my friends, let’s call him David, is a fat woman specialist. He is attracted to Goliaths, he occasionally goes for other women, but if it were up to him, it would be all Amazonian Goliaths all the time. He doesn’t care if they have beards, hare lips, crossed eyes, and hips so big she could haul grain to the market. He doesn’t care, and he attracts this kind of woman, you’d think he had a billboard running across his forehead that shouts ‘I Love Fat Women!”. He attracts them like priests attract drunks. That’s just the way it is.
It could be worse, he could be attracted to farm animals.
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Obvious point: Ugly is subjective at best. I like nerdy girls, myself. Leave that Paris Hilton crap for others guys.
Underline was placed for emphasis. Rest of the article was posted for humor.
Show of hands... who is honest enough to admit this slice of reality?
Last edited by Plan9; 10-30-2007 at 10:22 AM..
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