Martian

Wow. No.

No, no, no, no, no.

In a successful, healthy relationship communication is important. This relationship is neither. Further, if we take the above transcript as complete and accurate for simplicity's sake, her remorse is part of what makes this girl so dangerous. She shows absolutely no indication of having any idea whatsoever what she wants and instead of handling the situation in a mature and responsible manner (ie, taking some time to figure shit out) she's acting with absolutely no forethought or consideration for the people around her. She is an emotional loose cannon and if she continues to behave in this way she will eventually self-destruct. It would be very unwise for anyone to do anything other than get the fuck out of the way while they still can.

I don't see him accusing her being anything she's not. He's confronting her with her actions. She's going to pay the consequences, so long as our friend Shauk can stay the course. It's not his responsibility to fix her, or put up with her shit. He has every right to be upset and she has no defense (and indeed, does not offer one).


Also, no.

Repeat after me:

Real life is not a romantic comedy. People do not have a single epiphany and change overnight.

Ever.

If she doesn't like who she's become, that is quite frankly her problem. If she loses opportunities due to it, she has nobody to blame but herself. And if she wants to change, then it's up to her to do so. Talk is cheap and she can't even get that right...

There's no consistency here; she's all over the map. She can't decide what she wants, so she keeps swinging back and forth and shows absolutely no regard for anyone else involved. This is not a relationship that's worth fixing. Never mind even the picture her actions say and whether or not she'd be willing to back up any assertions of wanting to salvage things. Continuing to put effort into this is a losing proposition.

Shauk, I am going to be totally honest here. No attempts at levity, no beating around the bush and no pulling punches. I am going to break this situation down for you as plainly as I can, in the hopes that you will read and understand and thus be able to save yourself some aggravation. The usual disclaimer is that I'm basing all of this only on the information you've given me; thus, if you've painted an incomplete picture, any extrapolations I make based on that may be incorrect and thus throw all of my reasoning out the window. However, such inconsistencies tend to be pretty glaring and I'm not seeing any here so I feel confident in saying that I think I have a handle on things.

This girl is, bluntly, damaged goods. I don't know what's caused her to be this way. I'm quite certain that she has redeeming qualities; it turns out that nearly everybody does. That's what makes these situations so hard. If she really were a Heartless Scheming Bitch like some stock character from a B movie, it'd be easy to walk away. You did fall for her at one point and thus I feel confident in saying that you saw something else there. I have no doubt that you have a lot of good memories about this girl and that you wish more than anything that you could recapture the happiness you had.

I have seen this situation over and over again. I have no idea if you're about to fall into this trap, but I'd feel remiss if I didn't warn you. We've all seen those on again/off again couples who keep breaking up and getting back together, despite the fact that when they're together they invariably make each other miserable. These situations arise when people want to recapture the past; upon seperating from their former partner, they get to remembering the good times they had and minimizing the bad ones; they do this because they, like you and me and everyone else, want to be happy and remember this other individual as a mechanism that caused them to be happy. The problem, however, is as stated above. Something in that relationship changed to cause those two people to be no longer compatible and that former compatibility may never be recaptured. Once it's gone, it's gone. It is possible in some cases to build something new that is also positive, but this is not a common occurance and requires (among other things) that both parties recognize and accept that the past is gone and that what comes next must therefore necessarily be something new. Even if you're ready, willing and able to do that I can guarantee you that she's not.

She's not happy. She's telling the honest truth about that. She doesn't like who she's become. No prevarication there. Trouble is, I don't think she knows who she is. I don't know what event(s) changed the girl you fell for into the one that's in discussion, or even if there was a change; maybe she's always been that girl and all that's changed is your perception of her. Regardless, the picture I get from what I've read is of a girl who displays an alarming lack self-awareness; she doesn't know who she is, she doesn't know what she wants and she has no fucking clue where she's going or what she's going to do next. And rather than sit down and try to figure these things out, she's rolling around like the proverbial loose cannon and causing as much emotional damage as she possibly can. It's a very sad situation, frankly, because she's going to continue to be miserable until she can get this sorted out, if she ever does.

None of this is your fault and none of it is your responsibility. Further, if you continue to allow her to toy with you, or (God forbid) decide to give your relationship with her another chance, you will be causing her more harm than good.

She's latching on to you as an escape. She wants to use your past together as a means to pull herself out of the hole she's dug. She remembers being happy with you and is, like all the other folks in this type of situation, minimizing or completely excising any negatives. She therefore associates being with you and her own happiness and wants to use you to recapture that. The worst part of this is that it's not even you she wants; it's simply that feeling of well-being. You're the vehicle, not the objective.

Sorry. I reckon that probably hurts, but it's the truth as I see it.

Now.

The best possible course of action for you and for her at this point is for you to Get Out, as soon as possible. You can't afford to move; do you have any friends who could spot you a couch for a few weeks? Take only the possessions you deem essential or irreplaceable and come back for the rest later, once you're established. Offer cash. Offer bribes. Do whatever's necessary. Availing yourself of a friend's hospitality for a couple weeks will be a better course of action by miles than staying in your current situation. Your current situation is poisonous, both for you and her and it will not get better until you remove yourself from it.

The pain, as has been said, will take some time to go away. It is essential that you allow yourself to heal, which means that you need to not have anything to do with her anymore. I know you probably want to help her, but you simply cannot. You cannot not fix another person; it's up to her to do that for herself, or not. Your priority, therefore, needs to be your own well-being. The good news is that this is something that is in your power. The pain will go away, if you give yourself enough time and distance to allow it. Most of the folks here (if not all of us, I don't know everyone's individual situations) is speaking from experience on this, myself included. We've all been through the pain of breaking up with someone and I have personally experienced that very peculiar pain of watching a woman I cared for very deeply engage in what I believed to be an ill-advised and self-destructive course of action without having any power to change it. I know exactly how much it sucks, I truly do. I also know that it gets better, so long as you take the steps necessary to let it.

Even if there's absolutely no way for you to change your living situation before you get paid, you can still be pro-active about the situation. Get the apartment search going now. Use your time off to check out new apartments. Check out the apartments themselves, tour the surrounding neighbourhoods, figure out where all the essential facilities are and how convenient access to those places (grocery stores, laundromats, etc) is going to be. This will serve the dual purpose of helping you choose the best possible residence for yourself and giving you a positive reason to get away from her; you do not want to be in this girl's presence any more than is absolutely necessary. If you're still sharing a bed with her, you really should start sleeping on the couch at the very least. Make every effort to not be home when she is. Have as little to do with her as possible. And if you can do something productive in the process, so much the better.

Do not under any circumstances let her know where you're moving to, once you've found a place. Changing your phone number is probably a bit extreme at this point, but if she continues to call/text you after the move, it may become necessary as well. Your relationship with her is past it's sell-by date. You need to remove it from your life.

You really do have my sympathies and I'm sorry if any of this is painful. It's not a good situation to be in; you deserve to not be in it anymore. Take care of yourself and the rest will fall into place, sooner or later.

And I leave you with words of wisdom imparted to me many moons ago. I actually meant to include this earlier, but I was unfortunately not up to my usual mental acuity last night and thus forgot. The advice that really got me was simply this :

Learn to be happy with who you are and then you can find someone with whom you can be happy together.

Good luck to you, sir.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame