Pennies: Can't Even Buy Your Mom
by Andrew Gonsalves
www.tfproject.org www.andrewgonsalves.com
The cost-to-entertainment ratio of literally throwing your money at pigeons and the elderly is more economical than chartering a Thai hooker.
I'll bet my entire bucket of change that you have a penny collection, too. (Winner pays shipping.) You may store it in a glass jar, an oversized novelty coke bottle, or a nondescript plastic bin. You're probably saving the pennies up for a "rainy day" or you're challenging yourself to see if you can fill the container up. Whether its heads or tails, it all adds up to the same deduction: These are fractions of nearly every cash dollar that you've earned that will not see circulation or investment for a long time - maybe not before they become ENTIRELY worthless. Even if you did win my bet, you wouldn't take it; metal coins aren't worth their weight in anything and the moment you try to spend them is when they cross the line from currency to burden.
We are taught that the health of the economy includes a measurement of the amount of money in circulation. By paying in cash, the change for the dollar you just fractionally spent has only a small chance of benefitting you on any further purchases. You even get funny looks and impatient sighs if you do try to make the most out of your wealth. Like mullets, pennies just don't fit our lifestyle anymore. Even banks will refuse your coins, forcing you to exchange them at an automated machine for a voucher and a loss of 10%. There are so few good guys in the world of money that will acknowledge currency for what it is because it is a simple matter of labor and often materials that barely justify the worth of the tender.
Of course pennies didn't start out useless, but its important to remember that in the beginning they were also enforced by the gold standard and were even made out of valuable metal. It used to be that if you put 2 Jews in a room with a penny, you'd get copper wire, but now you only get zinc. The Federal Reserve and inflation has made pennies useless in the way it was more economical in 1994 to use Yugoslavian Dinars to wipe your ass than to buy toilet paper with them. As I sit here with a stack of change from today's purchases of lunch and a snack, I wonder when lawmakers are ever going to get around to doing away with the penny like they keep hinting about. Then I wonder if the dampened economy is all part of the master plan.
Conspiracy theories aside, I applaud the (tragically few) businesses who now round all purchases to the nearest nickel and I ADORE the ones who deal in only quarters. When I run my own business, I plan to do the same. It is a courtesy that people will notice and appreciate over time. Making purchases with pennies is like surfing ESPN.com on 2400 baud. The existence of change in such small denominations takes whole percentages of each dollar we spend in cash out of circulation and favors only those with the patience to penny pinch. I see New York bums picking pennies out of their change cups. It even insults the wishing well spirits if you throw in anything less than a dime.
To wrap this up, I feel that pennies should be banished. I knew it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to make such a claim, so I wrote this entire article to entertain the choir that I'm preaching to. I hope you enjoyed it. And remember, change doesn't come from the cash register, it comes from within!
Random thought about change: Gimmick penny banks are actually a good investment. If you circulate enough people through your residence, their curiosity for the function of your bank will entice them to deposit coins for your cause at will until you've paid it off. Unless you're my aunt and pay $800 for an annoying musical one.
One more thought: If you live or work by a Commerce Bank, they have no-charge change machines that are open for your use. Yay! Down with Coinstar!
DIGG!