Shauk

to elaborate..

I'm kinda fucked at this point no matter what I do.

I don't know.

ugh where to start.

shortly after this she started showing me a lot of attention, I was still just kinda 'meh' whatever about things, and was just trying to get inside that little head of hers and just flat out asked her if she just wanted to keep seeing me or what?

she pretty much was still just fucked up over her ex and needed a friend I guess. For some reason, I'm ok with that, I know it probably seems weird to feel somewhat sympathetic for her being fucked over and cheated on by some guy, but I guess I just like to know whats going on in her life.

at which point she reminds me of an upcoming cruise. we go on said overnight cruise, once we get in line she starts acting weird. tells me she's changed sexually, that it's no longer and expression of love, it's just "fucking" to her now. which kind of pisses me off, I guess thats how she was treated by her ex so now she's "damaged" in that regard. She goes on to tell me about these guys in line for the cruise that she knows and how she had a crush on this one and that one (it was an "employees and friends" cruise and they were her co-workers

anyways, the cruise basically went as well as you could imagine with that kind of fucked up set-up and I just really wasn't feeling it, she was helping me in more ways than she could imagine as far as "getting over her" went at that point.

we're laying in bed on the ship and I'm just like "what the fuck are we doing?"

"you tell me we're "heading back down that path", that you miss me, love me, invite me all the way out here to go on a cruise with you, tell me that you're so fucking excited that I'm coming to visit, and as soon as I show up, you act distant, and start talking about how you're so fucked up sexually that you go on to tell me about all these guys you want to sport fuck, and don't even manage a single substantial conversation with me for the entire day, why the fuck did I even come out here?"

she's pretty much completely blank and cant say anything other than she's sorry for the most part. I just stop talking to her, go to sleep..

next day I wake up and she's got her arm around me and her head on my chest. lots of memories of good times going through my head, put me in a slightly better mood, but I wasn't forgetting yesterday.

I just didn't talk to her aside from necessity as we went about getting our bus back to seattle. At which point I took a different seat and buried myself in the laptop and didn't so much as look at her for the next 3 hours.

Get in the car at the pier and we're heading back to the house, where my key is, the key to my car, my way home is waiting for me.

she's trying to talk to me in the car and I'm just so upset at myself for getting my hopes up for thinking that she'd want to be with a guy like me given that I have no direction. Just plans, lots of plans, plans that I need to do something with, but never do.

you know how you get so upset/angry/embarrassed sometimes that you start crying but you're not making any noise or having any muscular issues with your face, your eyes just water.

yeah that was me for about 2 hours as I just sat in the car. We'd pulled up to her place and I just didn't wanna talk or move. Just think about my errors.

I finally just got up and grabbed the bags out of the back of the car, slung them around my back and my sholder and went in, picked up my key and started for the door.

she blocked my way and wouldn't let me go, she was just pretty much calling out to me while I was standing there buried in my own cloud of emotions. i didn't want to talk, I just wanted the weekend to be over, to go home, to put my embarrassment behind me.

then it all came out from her end, I don't know, maybe she realized that I had had enough?

after the waterworks I just asked her if I was wasting my time wanting something that I couldnt have. she just said "not yet"

lots of "not yet" "not ready" "i can't go back" and then I just said "ok" and went to leave again.

having managed to barely sleep because of being upset, and being on a cruise that docked at 7am when we hit the room at 3am. Driving home exausted from my emotional expunging was probably a bad idea. I didn't even make it half an hour away before I pulled over and passed out on the side of the road for 3 hours.

as soon as I hit spokane county, I got the text messages, "I miss you" "<3" "when are you moving over here?"
I was confused, I called her up and asked her what was with the messages. Apparently, sometime in those last 7 hours or so she decided she was "warming up" to the idea of us getting back together.

huh, whatever, still no real invested emotion from me at this point, I did that already.

so again she starts in with asking me when I was going to move over there. Now if you recall my post history at all, this was a plan of mine sometime back in june or so to move over there, but on a visit, things with us got awkward, to the point that I thought it wasn't a good idea for me to move over there just yet.

I told her I wasn't moving over there because things were awkward, I asked her why she wanted to know.. to which she says "isn't it obvious?"

"nothing with you is ever obvious, you fuck my shit up, you confuse me so badly, now tell me why you want me to move over there so bad!"

"because I want you around, I miss you"

"thats all? thats not a good enough reason"

"well why not? you want to move over here anyway dont you?"

so it went.

I hadn't made any choices, i told her I'd think about it.

I went back to work, my pizza delivery gig as it is... I interacted as poorly as ever with my roommates... of course, I'm not happy here either.

ok so fine.... I'm impulsive and just give notice to my roomates and my employer and say "ok, ill move over there then"

of course i'm not emotionally in to this... she's acting very happy again. Why not? she gets the guy who puts up with every last bit of shit that she manages to dish out and still winds up being able to cuddle him when it suits her.

bitch.

that'd be me, not her. lol

*sigh*

so yeah, another phone call goes by, I'm learning more and more about her situation over there, about her ex, the guy she left me for. How he was cheating on her from the moment she left me to be with him with HIS ex...
She got played the fool for 4 months with this guy before she broke up with him. then he cheated on his new girlfriend with my ex. I found this out pretty much due to a slip of the tongue and her body language. but it was before she started expressing an interest in me. well her ex's best buddy has been trying his hardest to "be there for her" and be her friend, and get in her pants, but she's having none of it because according to her, she has standards.

I don't get it, the guy is in shape, he's pretty cool, a little on the emo side, but not a bad guy I don't think, kinda weirds me out how I met her standards if he couldn't. I'm out of shape, impulsive and erratic, and generally can come across as an asshole if something is bugging me at all. but hey, at least I don't cheat on people. I guess that counts for something.

So no, we're not "back together"
not yet anyway.

She told me on this call that the guy (her exes friend) who keeps trying to get in her pants and her were hanging out when she just decided to tell him that "James is moving back over here" (yes, she said "back" as if I've lived there before, which is weird because she said she told about 4 people and she's said "back" every time, which is weird to both of us, she doesn't know why she says it that way) he pretty much /emo'd about it and just asked if we were getting back together, and she said "yes"

of course at this point in the call i'm kind of half listening.

then it kinda hit me, what.... last I heard... you were just "warming up" to the idea.. now we are getting together?

I mean I guess i'm not all that adverse to the idea, it's what I wanted originally before all the obstacles and emotional bullshit happened.

she told me the reason she started freaking out and being stupid on the cruise and talking about other guys is because before we got in line, when I was taking pictures and showing them to her, she had this really strong urge to kiss me.

it scared her into being a retard and hurting me apparently. She doesn't know how to deal with her emotions I guess. she never really has, and it's been something I've understood about her and have always been able to extract as i've grown rather "good" at reading her other non verbal cues.

I know I'm walking in to a potentially bad scenario, but it's also potentially good. It really could go either way, it just depends on how she handles it at this point since she knows how I feel about everything now. She knows that I wont be content being "just a friend" unless she proves to me that she's got no more redeeming qualities as a partner to me, at which point we could probably just be friends since i'd no longer have interest in her finer qualities (which I never write about because apparently I only write about negative things I need help with, I really do paint a gloomier picture than it is)

So right now, my personal focus is getting in to seattle and getting a job and being in an area where my music will better accepted than... Idaho/Spokane.
She's a side project, I can't let her consume me any longer really. I just don't have it in me to even try to be remotely clingy about this, not when I'm going to be living with her again.


but then, I decided to bring up the issue of rent the other day. it was going to be 900 a month split 3 ways in a 2 bedroom house.. now if my math is right, that means, I wont have a room. I'm not bringing a bed, I was going to crash on the couch.

her solution. sleep in her room. We slept together for 5 years, she says, I'm sure I can handle it.

it's kind of funny because I felt rushed to be her "lover" or something at this point. Straight out of my apt into her bed? no dating? no reacquainting?

I guess dating would be stupid for us though, what am I going to ask her? her favorite color? what she does for a living? her taste in music? I know everything about her.

I wouldn't really say we're together but it sounds like thats where I'll be.. hard to say. *shrug*

I'll keep you guys up to date for sure though, dont doubt that one bit.


until then, please hold your "i told you so's"

my gut feeling is that she's sincere at least, my gut feeling is also that we have a lot of shit to figure out before we're free and clear into "together" status.