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Originally Posted by Cynthetiq
Again, this isn't about just looks. This goes down to things like, invitations out on nights you are too tired or too broke to do so. It's "easier" to make up an excuse rather than say the real honest reasons like, "I've not been sleeping well, I'm too tired to go out tonight." "I can't afford it, gas prices going up and unexpected flat tire put me over my budget." or plain "I just don't want to go out with you tonight." No we make up "fashionable excuses" like "Sorry, it's a work night, I've got to get up early," meanwhile you tell people stories of how you stay up late at night all the time.
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Well, you see this isn't something new and radical to me. I've never had trouble with just being honest in this way. If I say 'it's a work night and I should get to bed' I would mean it...not being able to get to sleep when you get there is another issue altogether.
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Telling someone what you are feeling with honesty is being assertive. Asserting your own needs and desires into the fold without compromising the relationship. Being an asshole tends to compromise relationships.
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Well, yes, I agree. Again this doesn't seem like anything new or radical.
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Why bite your tongue? why withhold your opinion. This is part of what this place is supposed to be, to be honest yet still respectful.
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I don't. But your thoughts have to go through some kind of filter in order to 'stay respectful' - to differing extents based on your personality.
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IMO some of the discussion in this very thread is just the means and mechanism as to how TFP has lost some of it's edge.
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Perhaps you are right about that. Myself, I believe that discussion can be provocative and compelling and perverse and brutal and even a little dangerous without becoming a free-for-all for rudeness and boorish judgements.
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Originally Posted by guccilvr
I see the other side of this. I think most people don't tell people they are fat, or they are stupid or whatever, because they will feel better if they don't. They lull themselves into thinking they did a good deed by not telling the person they need to lose weight then go behind their backs and start talking shit.
I've always been told I was too blunt. Am I really? Things are how they are and while some instances may work better with tact, it has always served me well to be blunt and honest. If my wife asks me if her dress makes her look fat.. and it does.. then I tell her yes. She laughs and wears it if she wants to.. she doesn't need my approval for how she looks, she just likes to ask.
For people who constantly need approval for their actions they would be much better off taking this sort of stance with themselves first and foremost before they tried to employ it with other people. This isn't just about fat or not, it's about everything you do.
"Damn, I did a shitty job at work today" vs, "I'm just tired" or "I'm jaded, I need a vacation"
I'd be very interested in seeing how things worked out in society if more people were brutally honest with themselves and with others. I know I prefer it that way.
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Well your wife doesn't have a problem with it. Some other people might. All of this just sounds like pre-possession with self over the feelings of other people.
Now I don't advocate for coddling or lying. I suppose I adhere to a version of the old 'if you can't say something nice' adage. For example, I have a daughter who is fat. Not morbidly obese, but fat. I try to encourage her to eat better and take an interest in her health. She doesn't. I tell her the clothing that I think is most flattering on her, but she wears whatever the hell she wants to wear. And I leave it at that. She knows she is fat and she doesn't need that fact to be pointed out to her anymore than an amputee needs to be told they don't have legs.
oh, and the idea of telling someone that their fatness makes you uncomfortable is serving no greater purpose than airing notions you have in your
own head that are your
own responsibility to deal with. Not the fat person's sitting next to you.