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I'm going to try to tackle all of these.
Can you cry under water?
Yes. It just makes the water saltier. Unless it's salt water.
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Assassinations are premeditated, murders are not always.
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Like Quasimondo said, taxes.
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
No, just a white robe.
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
It's more expensive to make sqaure boxes.
What disease did cured ham actually have?
It's a synonym.
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
It was competition with the Soviets. If the Soviets were trying to figure out a better way to move luggage, then we would have wheeled luggage before a man on the moon.
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
Babies experience the most restful sleep.
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Yes, because he can still talk to the judge, and everyone else can hear.
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Shit. I'm stumped. Something with celluloid.
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
They want to know what the tops of things look like.
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
It's a little know fact that doctors love strippers. So if you strip in front of them, they will want to take you home.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Because pants is plural.
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Burnt toast is good for stomach aches.
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
It's called irony.
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
No. The cops can't see the corpse if it's in the back.
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Because he's a SCIENTIST. Scientists can't FIX STUFF, they can only INVENT STUFF.
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Because Pluto is a pet, whereas Goofy is a anthromorphisized dog.
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
It's all about the hunt. You want what you can't have.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Petroleum.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I guess so, seeing with what our administration calls morals.
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Yes.
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Because they're beautiful compositions.
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
AAAHH! That's a thinker.
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Because the air goes around their whole body, not just their face. And it's constant.
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