Originally Posted by abaya

EDIT: Ratbastid beat me to it... (I was taking my time writing)

Hrmm, rr1024...methinks you need to get to know Ratbastid a little better before spouting off like that, mate. He, along with Lurkette and StellaLuna, are in one of the most admirable polyamorous relationships I've ever seen. There are a few other poly-configured folk here on TFP who are also bound to chime in on this thread (I am not one of them, but I respect them).

What has been your personal experience, to lead you to the opinions you stated earlier?

Originally Posted by Ustwo

Actually in my experience a lot of 'polys' are basically swingers. We could go into the why but no point to it, its just my opinion based on observation.

The biggest problem with poly relationships is that unless its one male with multiple females it will not work long term. Yes this is a blanket statement and obviously there are exceptions to that rule, but I think its one where the exceptions prove the rule.

The key is that poly relationships must, again as a rule, fit the normal human mating patterns. Part of this is why you see so many poly's with 'primaries' that sort of pair bonding is natural. Likewise to a lessor extent multiple females with one male fits the normal mating patters (though mass polygamy itself is not as 'natural' a human situation as you might think and is a rather recent development due to agriculture. By recent I'm talking 6000 years, which is very recent in biologic terms).

There is only one society in the world that has multiple men for one woman and thats in parts of Tibet where conditions are very difficult. Two brothers may marry one woman, but even there it is the goal of the younger brother to get his own wife.

So whenever I see 'poly' involved with couples or multiple males, I feel I'm really looking at swinging, only less 'dirty' in the people involved eyes.

Then there is the poly which are basically open relationships only it sounds better because they have 'feelings' for their partners. They never live together, have kids, have any commitment, or are on equal footing with their 'primary' partner, yet they are poly? Ten years ago it would have been called a fuck buddy, but these days poly is something of a buzz word. Just because you call yourself poly doesn't mean you are.




While those are common themes they are not usually consistent with reality. Few friendships result from swinging, mostly because you just can't 'make' someone your friend. The odds of hooking up with people who you would be friends with under normal circumstances who are also swingers is pretty low.

Originally Posted by Ustwo

While I know of swingers who like to say they are poly because its sounds better, especially women, I don't think it has much to do with being uptight or spiritual. For some its just because they are still hard to accept they like casual sex, and for others they would like to BE truly poly, but that doesn't happen often either.



I'd guess the reality is closer to 10% in the long run. Again its not the desire thats false but the reality. It takes more than sex to make a friend, and it takes a lot more time to make a true friend than most swinging will allow.

Originally Posted by Ustwo

Completely false I'm afraid. Bisexual males are almost universally shunned in swinging. If anything the only way I see a long term stable poly MFM to work would be if the males were bisexual. Swingers may be more open about gay marriage and the like than non-swingers on average, but I doubt its any more so than poly couples.

Originally Posted by Ustwo

Swinging and poly are not the same thing. A lot of people who say they are poly are in fact swingers, that is true, but for those who ARE poly, rare as that is in my opinion it is in fact different. Things do get blurred as I know poly triads (FMF of course) who also swing, but the two can be different. Swinging is basically couples who have decided that you can have a monogamous marriage without a monogamous sex life, and do so together rather than separately (such as an open marriage, something else which is generally unstable as well). Beyond that there is pretty much no difference between a swinger couple and any other couple. Being poly does bring another angle in, often a difficult angle, but different than swinging. For one thing, being poly doesn't mean you are free from sexual jealousies, and I've read a few posts from poly females upset at how jealous their husband (no idea if thats the 'proper' term) was about them. To me thats a man protecting his harem, so not surprising at all. Likewise I'm not sure how 'old fashioned' Mormons viewed/view wife swapping but I rather doubt it was common in their polygamous marriages.