Originally Posted by ratbastid

Regarding the quote from the OP, he's careful to say that those are only a few of the myriad possible configurations or approaches to relationships that might fall under the umbrella of polyamory. When it comes to polyamory, there is no "is" about it. It is literally up to the interpretation of every individual, couple, or group that engages in it.

The basic definition of polyamory is: a belief in the freedom to have multiple romantic relationships with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

As you can see, that might look a lot of different ways to a lot of different people.


The term "open relationship" is so vague as to be useless. "Swinging" implies sex with non-primary partners without emotional intimacy, which isn't what polyamory is. Polyamorists say that poly is about the relationship, not the sex. Swinging is pretty much entirely about the sex.

Originally Posted by ratbastid

There tends to be some sneering back and forth between swingers and polyamorists. I find that to be regrettable, as we're all interested in the same sorts of things and the same sorts of freedoms. But poly folks are about love, and sex as an expression of that love. Swingers are about sex, and love or romance among non-primary partners is explicitly taboo. There are many more swingers than polyfolk on TFP, maybe they want to say some more about that?

Originally Posted by ratbastid

Well... It's a relatively new term being applied to a lifestyle choice that has been available and in at least somewhat common use for at least a couple thousand years. It's distinct from "open relationship" and "swinging" as I distinguished above. So while the term is new(ish), the distinction has existed for a long, long time.


As many as there are poly-families. I think it's fair to say that there are two general ways to come at it: either you have a primary relationship, and everything else is secondary, or every relationship you have is equal. Inside those two general approaches, there are an infinite number of possible configurations.

Right now I'm not in a relationship with anyone other than my wife, but I'm casually seeing a couple other women, and so is she. I'm in the "I have a primary partner, everything else is secondary" camp. That doesn't mean that secondary is unimportant, just that without my primary partner's knowledge and approval, nothing secondary is ever going to happen.

I know of a woman (who happens to be in the "all my relationships are equal" camp) who is in a relationship with a married man, whose wife has two other lovers. That married man has three grown children, one of whom is married and has another lover. The beauty of polyamory is that you can say what works for you, want you want and don't want, and--while that puts a certain responsibility on you to create relationships that work inside of that--you're free to do and have whatever you want to do and have.

I strongly recommend the Polyamory Weekly podcast if you're curious about Poly. http://www.polyweekly.com. As (I guess!) TFP's honorary poly spokesperson, I'm happy to answer any other questions you might have.


That certainly hasn't been my experience! Being poly has stretched me so much as a person that I hardly recognize myself. It has had me confront my whole bag of tricks that I bring to relationships.

That hasn't always been pretty, but the results have been well worth my effort. I can no longer pull my petty jealousy shit without seeing it coming and having the opportunity to head it off at the pass. I've become a vastly better husband out of being polyamorous. I now know that sometimes my partners need to know that they're cherished and valued, and I'm way past my tendency to neglect that need or play that down.