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LiBan · 09-02-2007, 10:37 PM

Hi, Jennifer and company. I am very glad to hear that you have job opportunities. Best of luck with those.

I want to say that I can relate to some of what you have been going through. My mother is controlling and abrasive. I was grounded all through middle and high school for never being able to pull my math grade up above a C average. She became very cruel. A few times she simply told me that I was stupid and would not amount to much. One time she told me "at this rate you will never have a house of your own unless you marry a guy and have his babies for him."

After moving to college housing it became easier to tip-toe around her demands and expectations, but as graduation draws near (December for me) she seems to push at me harder. She interprets any show of independence on my part as an attack on her.

This morning, I got tired of being told to stop being so defensive all the time after being yelled at. I just stood up and said that I would cut my holiday weekend short and go back to school right then. The screaming started at that point and I was accused of being disrespectful and ungrateful. I finally told her that it's hard to show respect to someone who speaks to me with such disrespect. Upon citing the incidents where I was called stupid, told I would not ever have a home of my own, and even a few times where she expressed no pride or encouragement in a semester where I achieved all A marks except for a C mark in a math class...she told me that I had made it all up. She said that I have a "fantasy brain" and that I am "always making up memories." She basically told me that she doesn't believe that I will succeed if I don't start working for the goals that she has set for me.

I simply called her a liar and left. My step-dad has been very supportive of me the last few months. He told me that he would send me a check this week to get me through until my next paycheck, which was a month delayed. He's told me that he understands my needing to stand up for myself. That makes it easier, but it's hard for me to come around to the fact that I will most likely never have my mother's approval. I was the only child of a single mother until she married when I was 10, and it feels as if the day I turned 14 her whole opinion of me changed. Instead of being the encouraging and loving mother who would talk things out with me, she was suddenly suspicious and disappointed all of the time. It is hard to think that I might have to start my adult life without love and support from the woman I adored as a child.

It has been encouraging, in a sad way, to read this thread and see that someone else is struggling with a parent who doesn't seem to believe that their daughter can be a functioning and successful adult. It was also encouraging to see that some of you advised Jennifer to simply stand up to her parents and leave. I want to do that. I am beginning to do that.

I am terrified. It is frightening to live under the wings of someone with such a strong will and then have to fight your way free into a world you feel unprepared for. I don't know if I can make it without having to tuck tail and crawl home one sad day, but I want it. I want to get out. I want to make my own mistakes and learn from them and become a real person, rather that one who feels as if she is being kept hollow and perpetually waiting for the dreams and expectations of others.

Jennifer, you have made great strides by proving that you can drive. You have made great strides by garnering the attention of employers. Whether or not you get the jobs, you have proven that you are a viable candidate. Someone believes that you are worth hiring. You are someone worthy of spending attention and time on. It sounds as if you have earned your father's respect. It sounds as if you brother knows you to be honest and believes in you enough to stake his reputation on you by recommending you for a job.

I do not know you, but as someone who can relate to the position that you are in, I am very proud of the steps you have taken and the progress that you have made.

Please don't give up. Look how far you have already come. I hope you keep us updated.

09-02-2007, 10:37 PM	#36 (permalink)
LiBan Upright Location: Alabama	Hi, Jennifer and company. I am very glad to hear that you have job opportunities. Best of luck with those. I want to say that I can relate to some of what you have been going through. My mother is controlling and abrasive. I was grounded all through middle and high school for never being able to pull my math grade up above a C average. She became very cruel. A few times she simply told me that I was stupid and would not amount to much. One time she told me "at this rate you will never have a house of your own unless you marry a guy and have his babies for him." After moving to college housing it became easier to tip-toe around her demands and expectations, but as graduation draws near (December for me) she seems to push at me harder. She interprets any show of independence on my part as an attack on her. This morning, I got tired of being told to stop being so defensive all the time after being yelled at. I just stood up and said that I would cut my holiday weekend short and go back to school right then. The screaming started at that point and I was accused of being disrespectful and ungrateful. I finally told her that it's hard to show respect to someone who speaks to me with such disrespect. Upon citing the incidents where I was called stupid, told I would not ever have a home of my own, and even a few times where she expressed no pride or encouragement in a semester where I achieved all A marks except for a C mark in a math class...she told me that I had made it all up. She said that I have a "fantasy brain" and that I am "always making up memories." She basically told me that she doesn't believe that I will succeed if I don't start working for the goals that she has set for me. I simply called her a liar and left. My step-dad has been very supportive of me the last few months. He told me that he would send me a check this week to get me through until my next paycheck, which was a month delayed. He's told me that he understands my needing to stand up for myself. That makes it easier, but it's hard for me to come around to the fact that I will most likely never have my mother's approval. I was the only child of a single mother until she married when I was 10, and it feels as if the day I turned 14 her whole opinion of me changed. Instead of being the encouraging and loving mother who would talk things out with me, she was suddenly suspicious and disappointed all of the time. It is hard to think that I might have to start my adult life without love and support from the woman I adored as a child. It has been encouraging, in a sad way, to read this thread and see that someone else is struggling with a parent who doesn't seem to believe that their daughter can be a functioning and successful adult. It was also encouraging to see that some of you advised Jennifer to simply stand up to her parents and leave. I want to do that. I am beginning to do that. I am terrified. It is frightening to live under the wings of someone with such a strong will and then have to fight your way free into a world you feel unprepared for. I don't know if I can make it without having to tuck tail and crawl home one sad day, but I want it. I want to get out. I want to make my own mistakes and learn from them and become a real person, rather that one who feels as if she is being kept hollow and perpetually waiting for the dreams and expectations of others. Jennifer, you have made great strides by proving that you can drive. You have made great strides by garnering the attention of employers. Whether or not you get the jobs, you have proven that you are a viable candidate. Someone believes that you are worth hiring. You are someone worthy of spending attention and time on. It sounds as if you have earned your father's respect. It sounds as if you brother knows you to be honest and believes in you enough to stake his reputation on you by recommending you for a job. I do not know you, but as someone who can relate to the position that you are in, I am very proud of the steps you have taken and the progress that you have made. Please don't give up. Look how far you have already come. I hope you keep us updated.