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one thing i have learned over time is that it makes no sense to imagine yourself as "the best" or "the number 1" in a field. this simply because
(a) there is no pyramid hierarchy out there--so there is no reason to pretend there is one--so there is no rationale for thinking about what you do in terms of competition--because there is no game.
(b) it is not at all obvious that the range of people that you know about in a given area is the range of all people who engage in that area--so saying that you are "the best pianist" (for example) is just idiotic---there are so many players out there...no matter which (arbitrary) criterion you decide to use to measure abilities or capacities, there is bound to be a host of folk out there who will smoke you. and even if that's not the case, it still doesnt do anything to imagine yourself in some competition with others: it changes nothing about what you do. it changes nothing about how you do it. but it can make you annoying at cocktail parties. you how it goes: you have a couple martinis because you're nervous and then all you say to everyone you meet is: "yes yes, but let's talk about me."
(c) generally the more you know about an area the more detailed your awareness becomes of the many many things you dont know. its as if half the function of acquiring information is to inform you in more and better detail of all the you still dont know. and if you research something, this relation of information to refining your understanding of what you dont know just repeats itself. it never seems to end, this dynamic.
but it will keep you (somewhat) modest once you figure it out for yourself and accept that this is the case.
just do what interest you and keep doing it. that's what matters.
size queen anxiety concerning your information storage and retrieval functions is silly. and unnecessary.
if you generate stuff that leads other people to consider you an expert, that only designates the perception of other people of what you're doing. it changes nothing about the doing. and that's what matters. that's what you live with and through. people can think what they want--for the most part their judgments are arbitrary. just do what you do because you want to do it.
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a gramophone its corrugated trumpet silver handle
spinning dog. such faithfulness it hear
it make you sick.
-kamau brathwaite
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