Shauk

wow, been a while since my last post but...
I decided not to move in with her because when i went over to look for work,things were akward. Freshly single, still very emotional, and highly defensive against even the slightest kind gesture, basically she wasn't in the mood to harbor any nice feelings towards men at the moment.

Her ex's friend (a guy) has constantly been trying to take advantage of her emotional distress since she broke up with him. She basically tells me all of this in annoyance I suppose. I say through her attitude and she opened up to me, i flat out asked what she was thinking when it came to me and her, and she was honest and said that she can't think about that right now because she's so muddled over her last ex being such a complete failure, and the guilt she feels for making the choices that she has.

anyways so my plan when I got back to idaho was to just move myself to spokane. But I had unfinished plans to head back to seattle for a convention during the last week of august.


She offered up her couch once more.

4 days later I was to leave on monday, as she was going to be at work.

I woke up and she was still there, I noticed her car still out front, I was kinda curious so I went to knock on her door and she said come in, so there she is laying in her bed she had gotten up and showered and not bothered to get dressed, her clothes were still in a heap and she was under her covers from the shoulders down.

no, this isnt the intro to some adult action. Apparently she had gotten up to get ready for work just fine, but she decided to call in and become vegetative/emotional.

I found this extremely strange because she was put on prozac due to the depression of being left to hang out to dry by the guy she moved to Seattle for to begin with.

I don't really know what happened next. I started feeling weepy, because she was just crying softly into her pillow and I just sat there waiting for her to say something. But it was just silent for an hour before I could muster "why are you upset?" to which i "heard" "because you're leaving"

I didn't say anything then, I was just still kinda upset too cuz we had such a great weekend together and she's a great person to be around.

I go about my business and go take a shower and start getting my clothes together and start thinking about how logic and emotion never seem to be good bedmates. How opposites attract yet logic and emotion don't seem to do this.

I told her she should get up and get dressed so she can take in the last few hours with me while I'm still there at least. Went out to sit on the porch and just talked about stuff. Something felt "odd" about the whole thing in my head where she told me she was upset that I was leaving. Why would she tell me such a thing? she's never been so forthcoming and communicative with what bothers her before..

I asked her again "Did you say you were upset because I'm leaving?"

her eyes widened like she was in shock. "No, I didn't say that, when was this?"

"uh, in the bedroom like 2 hours ago?"

"I don't remember this conversation" she gets up and leaves the room.

again she's crying.

damn, what the hell just happened here? Was I right? did I HEAR HER THOUGHTS? is that shit even possible? so i'm severely creeped out at this point.

I follow her back in and she just says "I'm not ready to talk about that yet"

ok.. so, apparently I did hit something with that comment.

logic vs emotion. Logic would just dictate we'd be together. She's single, I'm single, we were good before we let garbage clutter our lives, we've cleansed ourselves of most if not all of this garbage, yet, we haven't changed at the core. She frequently brings up the sweet things I would do for her, or things I did for her on my visit out there that i've ALWAYS done for her but she never seemed to notice. Things as simple as unlocking her side of the car door 1st before getting in on my side in the street. reminding me of a pillow gift I bought her for no special occasion at all, merely because I was thinking about her, one she still keeps on her bed.

I had all this running through my head and I started to see she was conflicted between her logic and emotions. She loves me, she has told me this, again and again, she always will.

I can't figure out what to say, what to do, what IS there to say or do in this situation? you have a ex gf who still loves you, who you still love, just crying because you have to drive back home 300 miles away, back where she used to live.

I wanted to comfort her but I also refuse to be the clingy ex boyfriend, to make unwelcome advances, to cloud her emotions further with my touch, she's a very "physically expressive" person. It could have ignited into something either violent or loving (the shove or the kiss) and either direction at this point was premature, in my mind.

She's on medication for HIM. The other guy who shut her out, who stopped talking to her, she's always remained friends with her exes but apparently he was the only one to shut her down like this, who made no effort at continuing a friendship or at least treating her as a human being.

what blew my mind most of all is that I felt like I was the reason they broke up. I was at one point ready to cut her out of my life, realizing she was clouding my thinking, making it impossible to see the positivity in a new relationship because I judged everyone by her standard. yet less than 2 weeks after I tried to pull away from her entirely, to which she called me up crying, telling me how much it upset her, she broke up with him.

over me? because I wanted to escape her or be with her because of my feelings for her?

again, so confused by it all. I just said to her "It really makes no sense for you to be upset that I'm leaving"

"why?"

"all I am to you is a voice, a friend, a phone presence, or an online presence, thats all i've been to you for a year now... why does it matter if I leave? Unless that is, you have an emotional or logic "need" that is to require my physical presence"

again "I'm not ready to talk about this yet"

again it reaffirmed that I'm hitting the nail on the head, that I'm too close to her heart, yet at the same time, she's expressed guilt over everything in the form of "how can I know what love is if I treat the people I love, who love me, so badly, and the people who treat me like shit like they are entitled to me"

I don't know how this story ends. despite the title of "ex-boyfriend/girlfriend"
feelings aren't dictated by titles, they never have been. None of you have ever been broken up with or broken up with someone the instant your feelings were in line with this. I still loved her when she broke up with me, and I stopped loving or never loved girls that I have broken up with.

I can't even put my finger on it but, the drive home felt different this time.