|
I feel like my contribution here is almost superfluous, as it would seem that all parties have more or less come to a consensus. Regardless, I'll put it out there.
I am not a male apologist. In fact, I'm not any sort of apologist; I am, indeed, just a male. I like things that make lots of noise, things that go fast, boobs, and any combination of the three. And I will stand up and admit that yes, I have masturbated to fantasies of female friends and even ones who were already spoken for. It's not something that I'd be particularly likely to share (thanks to that great word that's already been thrown into this, propriety,) but it definitely does happen. I've done it while in a relationship and before I realized that fantasy is in fact part of a healthy libido I thought something was terribly wrong with me because of it. It also definitely does not affect my friendship. Some of my female friends are hot. When I'm horny, sometimes I think about what it would be like. I can differentiate between that fantasy and my actual relationship with these people. I've never used visual aids for this, but I think it's probably more due to a lack of availability than anything else; if I had pictures of my hot friends looking sexy, I might be tempted to use them for these purposes. Again, these are women who I have strictly platonic relationships; women who, given the opportunity, I probably would not fuck. I can differentiate between the fantasy and the real world on that score.
I do not exonerate this fellow, nor do I condemn him; I think we can be a little more moderate in our responses. This is not a black and white issue; after all, his sin was not in the deed but in the (lack of) thought. I seriously suspect that the situation was as has been described - dude found pictures, was in the mood, thought 'wow, that's hot.' Who it was didn't likely have much bearing on the thought process.
What was wrong about it was that he didn't take her feelings into account. Lucky for all involved, both parties in this relationship seem to have learned from the experience and everything worked out for the better. This is ideally how these things should work out. Everybody makes mistakes and every couple fights. The ones that succeed are the ones who can find a mechanism to avoid repetition of their mistakes. Communication is generally what works.
I have previously expressed the opinion that ratbastid is to be heeded on issues like this and I find myself wanting to reiterate that now. The issue here is not his action, as I think the varied responses here indicate. The issue, then, would be her reaction. I don't mean to say that her reaction was wrong, just that therein lies the conflict. A profitable line of inquiry, then, would be to figure out why that was her reaction and ideally come to a consensus as a couple on how to avoid that reaction in the future. And yes, insecurities are an individual problems. There's a reason it's called your baggage and not just baggage. Other people can aggravate or magnify or expose your issues, but they're still yours to deal with and the bottom line is that blaming them on others will not help you heal. Nor can others heal you. It's something you must do for yourself, although a bit of guidance rarely goes amiss.
Apologies if the above is disjointed. These are my 9 am Saturday morning, pre-coffee musings.
And I guess that's the extent of my opinion. All that remains is to congratulate burtsbees on being able to take what was a negative event, explore it, discuss it and turn it into a source of strength. This is the ideal way to handle these things and I applaud the maturity and self-awareness that went into that.
__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said
- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame
|