Baraka_Guru

You have my sympathies for having to go through this. It should go without saying that what your boyfriend did was wrong, especially considering how it hurt you and has damaged your self-esteem. Sexual misconduct of any kind is wrong because its potential to hurt others is great. It can ruin entire families.

Yet, I think it's important to point out that it is wrong to assume that pornography on its own is harmless. Although it isn't always harmful (you did say you were okay with the mainstream material), it can sometimes be indicative of deeper problems. Just as alcohol and guns in the proper context can be safe and harmless, they can also destroy lives. They can be used in response to deeper pain or suffering. Have you thought that maybe there is something your boyfriend is dealing with and he is afraid to share it with anyone?

Just as you are now insecure with yourself, perhaps your boyfriend has already been insecure this whole time. You say you are now obsessed with fashion and makeup. Your boyfriend might be obsessed with sex because he is insecure about himself and your relationship. What's more, maybe your boyfriend sees this change as your wanting to attract other men so that you can move on. This could put a further strain on your relationship. If you truly love each another, you will be able to work on this openly. Considering you haven't broken up over it so far, there looks to be some hope.

Sweeping it under the rug is out of the question because it will not go away. You need to talk about your relationship in some specific contexts. You should talk about why he uses pornography in the first place. Do you know how much time he spends using it? Do you spend enough time being intimate, just you and him with no distractions? Maybe you should even address why he thought it wouldn't hurt you. Or, at least, why he would say such a thing. He should know better. Ask him outright: why does he fantasize about your friends this way? Is there something about the relationship he isn't happy with?

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Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot