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Martian · 07-03-2007, 09:55 PM

Heatherbeehoney, I commend you in trying to understand your husband. And I'm going to preface this with saying that I know nothing about your husband personality-wise, so it's difficult for me to advance any completely sound hypothoses regarding his reaction. But with what you've given us, I see one of two possible scenarios.

The first one is that he's a guy. I know, I know, a guy is supposed to jump at the chance for sex, but just stay with me here.

Most men aren't really in tune with their emotions. It's sad, but it's true. I'm lead to believe that your husband is one of these men; this is supported by the fact that he subsequently was unable to explain his reaction. This, oddly enough, offers insight into the reasoning in and of itself. Allow me to paint you two pictures, as a contrast.

The first picture is admittedly a self-portrait. I have recently (within the last two years) embarked upon a journey of self-discovery. I've learned a lot about who I am and what makes me tick. I'm largely comfortable with myself these days; I'm comfortable with who I am, I'm comfortable with my sexuality and I generally know why I react the way I do to certain situations, although that's not always the case. Thus, if I received a message of that nature and reacted negatively to it with discomfort or embarrassment, I'd hopefully be able to identify the reasoning and broach the subject in a more tactful way when the appropriate moment presented itself.

The contrast is my best friend. This is a guy who I've known for more than half my life and I absolutely love him (in a totally manly, let's-kill-stuff-together way, of course). But he's not really as self-aware as I am and is also somewhat repressed sexually. Frankly put, at this point in his life I am quite possibly the only person who could engage him in a candid discussion regarding sex and would only do so with very good reason, since I know the sort of discomfort it would cause him. If his lady friend were to send him such a message, he'd probably be embarrassed, but very probably also wouldn't know why. His reaction, therefore, would be to displace the embarrassment with irritation, leading to an inappropriate response.

Sound like anyone you know?

If not, well.. I see another explanation. You've said your husband is self-employed. I also know from your writing that he has an office out of the house and his own private phone at work (implying that there is a more public phone, either for use by clients or employees). From all of this, I would gather that he's a successful entrepreneur.

It's an interesting thing to note about small businessmen; all the ones I've encountered are extremely work-oriented. To be fair, they more or less have to be to survive. Thus, the most successful business folk are highly image-conscious. It seems possible to me that he's less concerned about a specific client being there to see an illicit message than he is about the possibility of a client seeing an illicit message. If you don't send him such messages, he doesn't have to worry about it, whereas if he encourages the behaviour, the next one could come while he's in a meeting with an important client, or in a crowded elevator, or at lunch with someone who's looking to spend money on his products or services. It could damage his image, which is highly important to him; after all, his image is what puts food on his table.

Except, he doesn't know how to articulate this concern to you. Further to that, since you know he had no clients on that day, he probably gave you that information and thus knows you know. He'll also know that you, being less image-conscious, may not buy that he's worried about a client reading something they shouldn't, since you know that there were no clients that way. So he seizes on a scape-goat in the form of the children. Unless your offspring are exceptionally precocious and your husband has a penchant for leaving his phone in easily accessible places, it seems unlikely that the children are a concern. And yet, it's a concern that he thinks you'd support more readily than you would clients. It works out the same in the end, if he can encourage you to be more discreet.

I don't know which, if either, of these explanations is the correct one. I know next to nothing about your husband and therefore the above is necessarily a lot of guesswork. If you think it'd help, you can show him this thread; it's possible that reading some different takes on the situation would help him figure out what the hang-up was that caused his response. You're right to seek an explanation, really. Understanding and communication are the cornerstones of a successful relationship. You guys seem to have communication nailed, so if you need help with the understanding aspect... well, that's what we're here for.

07-03-2007, 09:55 PM	#28 (permalink)
Martian Young Crumudgeon Location: Canada	Heatherbeehoney, I commend you in trying to understand your husband. And I'm going to preface this with saying that I know nothing about your husband personality-wise, so it's difficult for me to advance any completely sound hypothoses regarding his reaction. But with what you've given us, I see one of two possible scenarios. The first one is that he's a guy. I know, I know, a guy is supposed to jump at the chance for sex, but just stay with me here. Most men aren't really in tune with their emotions. It's sad, but it's true. I'm lead to believe that your husband is one of these men; this is supported by the fact that he subsequently was unable to explain his reaction. This, oddly enough, offers insight into the reasoning in and of itself. Allow me to paint you two pictures, as a contrast. The first picture is admittedly a self-portrait. I have recently (within the last two years) embarked upon a journey of self-discovery. I've learned a lot about who I am and what makes me tick. I'm largely comfortable with myself these days; I'm comfortable with who I am, I'm comfortable with my sexuality and I generally know why I react the way I do to certain situations, although that's not always the case. Thus, if I received a message of that nature and reacted negatively to it with discomfort or embarrassment, I'd hopefully be able to identify the reasoning and broach the subject in a more tactful way when the appropriate moment presented itself. The contrast is my best friend. This is a guy who I've known for more than half my life and I absolutely love him (in a totally manly, let's-kill-stuff-together way, of course). But he's not really as self-aware as I am and is also somewhat repressed sexually. Frankly put, at this point in his life I am quite possibly the only person who could engage him in a candid discussion regarding sex and would only do so with very good reason, since I know the sort of discomfort it would cause him. If his lady friend were to send him such a message, he'd probably be embarrassed, but very probably also wouldn't know why. His reaction, therefore, would be to displace the embarrassment with irritation, leading to an inappropriate response. Sound like anyone you know? If not, well.. I see another explanation. You've said your husband is self-employed. I also know from your writing that he has an office out of the house and his own private phone at work (implying that there is a more public phone, either for use by clients or employees). From all of this, I would gather that he's a successful entrepreneur. It's an interesting thing to note about small businessmen; all the ones I've encountered are extremely work-oriented. To be fair, they more or less have to be to survive. Thus, the most successful business folk are highly image-conscious. It seems possible to me that he's less concerned about a specific client being there to see an illicit message than he is about the possibility of a client seeing an illicit message. If you don't send him such messages, he doesn't have to worry about it, whereas if he encourages the behaviour, the next one could come while he's in a meeting with an important client, or in a crowded elevator, or at lunch with someone who's looking to spend money on his products or services. It could damage his image, which is highly important to him; after all, his image is what puts food on his table. Except, he doesn't know how to articulate this concern to you. Further to that, since you know he had no clients on that day, he probably gave you that information and thus knows you know. He'll also know that you, being less image-conscious, may not buy that he's worried about a client reading something they shouldn't, since you know that there were no clients that way. So he seizes on a scape-goat in the form of the children. Unless your offspring are exceptionally precocious and your husband has a penchant for leaving his phone in easily accessible places, it seems unlikely that the children are a concern. And yet, it's a concern that he thinks you'd support more readily than you would clients. It works out the same in the end, if he can encourage you to be more discreet. I don't know which, if either, of these explanations is the correct one. I know next to nothing about your husband and therefore the above is necessarily a lot of guesswork. If you think it'd help, you can show him this thread; it's possible that reading some different takes on the situation would help him figure out what the hang-up was that caused his response. You're right to seek an explanation, really. Understanding and communication are the cornerstones of a successful relationship. You guys seem to have communication nailed, so if you need help with the understanding aspect... well, that's what we're here for. __________________ I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said - Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame