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Kpax I do feel for you. You have some serious emotional issues that are clearly painful, and are likely to cause you more pain in the future, no matter whether you face them head on or allow them to continue without directly addressing them.
Having said that, the combination of episodic alcohol abuse, along with your difficulty dealing with reality and the presence of the handgun is a dangerous one. I don't know the rules of Washington state but you need to either find a trusted friend to hold your guns securely, or turn them into local law enforcement for safe keeping. There's a real potential for you to make a tragic mistake. Avoiding alcohol and taking the guns out of the picture might help you avoid a situation you could regret for the rest of your life.
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