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Originally Posted by Sultana
Basically, I need input on how to best conduct a marital separation. I know that some things are fairly relative and I need to go based on how I feel about that particular issue, but I have had no experience with this, and would *greatly* appreciate some input.
We are planning on continuing counseling for the duration, but we're going to a new one, because hubby feels that because I see our current couples counselor for my own personal counseling, she is no longer as objective as she should be (he pretty much feels she's "on my side, I think). I disagree, and don't look forward to recounting everything that got us to that point, but I figure if the new person says the same thing as the previous person, maybe he'll see that it's not a matter of "taking sides".
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Your husband has got it right. As a counsellor it is very difficult to be objective to the second person when you have already built a rapport with the first. Secondly, as a counsellor, it is extremely difficult to maintain confidentiality in these circumstances as there are often things said by the one which shouldn't come out in the couples session. It is very difficult to do this and so the counsellors puts his/her self at risk of a legal suite.
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Originally Posted by Sultana
He has not yet moved out, we're trying to find an option that won't run our finances dry. However, I have been encouraging him to put more effort into it. I will help, but I'm not doing it for him.
Questions:
*How long should I plan for? Initially I was thinking three or four weeks, but nearly everyone has told me that's not enough time, including the hubby.
*Should we "date" during this time, or really not see each other at all except for necessities (financial meetings, etc. Business oriented)?
ADDED CLARIFICATION: I mean date each other.
I don't think we should cut off all contact, as this is ostensibly a last effort for growth together.
I plan to file separation paperwork. Don't really know how he'll feel about that.
I can't think of anything else just now, but if there's anything I haven't addressed (and I'm sure there is), please feel free to include that.
Thanks in advance.
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If it is over, it is over. Say so, put yourselves out of your misery and make it a hard clean break. If it is a serious attempt at getting some distance between yourselves for perspective, you will need a couple of months. Dating each other in the meantime will only confuse everything and dating others will make things worse. Spend some time together occasionally for some deep and meaningful conversations, but if you date too much you will burn each other out with the stress of the contacts.
It can be worthwhile thinking that this relationship didn't work, so you need to establish a new relationship with new boundaries and rules. If there is not enough separation you will only re-establish the old non-workable relationship.