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Originally Posted by cierah
I suppose the real reason there is a problem in my 'relationship' with him, is that I avoided the whole 'lets have a talk about where this is going' thing. I'm not in a relationship with him and therefore don't want to have relationship talks with him. I have a hard enough time having real conversations with the fiance. I explained the rules to him and told him not to get emotionally involved because I love the bf. But we have to have another talk, in order to either keep fooling around or to go back to being friends.
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I'm going to be blunt here. If you don't consider your "everything else but sex" situation a relationship, and don't plan to/want to have "relationship talks" with this guy, then you're not approaching this from the right direction
at all.
Strong communication is
absolutely necessary if you want to be having open relationships like this. That not only means strong communication between you and your fiance, but also between you and the other guy(s) you're involved with. Both relationships sounds like they could use better communication, and your current situation is just one of the many reasons that open and honest communication is important.
pamplemousse made an excellent recommendation that you listen to some of the Polyamory Weekly podcasts. You'll find that most people who are involved in polyamory with any sort of stability have absolutely impeccable communication in their primary relationship, and nearly as good, if not as good, communication in their other relationships.
Sure, what you're looking for is more about swinging than polyamory (I draw the distinction that the former is all about the sex, whereas the latter is not), but the need for extremely open and honest communication is the same in either circumstance if you're going to have a regular swinging partner. Especially
especially if that person was, is, or will also be a friend.
If I were to make any sort of concrete recommendation, it would be that you take a break from having an open relationship and focus on improving the relationship with your fiance so that you no longer "have a hard enough time having real conversations with [him]."