Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Last night my daughter's boyfriend killed himself

analog · 03-20-2007, 02:05 PM

Stay interested in her plans, make plans to do things. "Hey, let's _____ this weekend." The more receptive to making plans to do things, the better. Keep this going with day-to-day things as well, especially over weekends... so on friday, maybe ask if she'd like to go someplace on monday after school.

She's going to be sad/depressed- what to look for is if she suddenly seems very cheery/happy one day (too soon) and has little explanation as to why. If she's willing to sit down and discuss why she's suddenly so happy, and it sounds good, then she's just done some good thinking and that's that. If she refuses attempts to chat about why everything is suddenly ok, that can be an unfavorable sign.

Suddenly becoming obsessed with death, or morbid, are not necessarily "freak out" signs- things like morbid poetry or writing, or listening to morbid/dark music. If it persists for a while, then maybe it's something to address (since the event may have actually changed some mental processes, though not necessarily towards suicidal ideation).

Stay calm, stay positive, and stay involved with her feelings. If she sees that you're watching her like a hawk, you will have a harder time consoling her, and she will distance herself- neither of which will help her. She may also distance herself from you if you attempt to console her by making statements like, "you'll love again" and things of that nature. Focus on the fact that he was a good guy, and it's a shame what happened, and you're sad he's gone, etc.

The more you reinforce that you care and that you're there for her, the better off you'll all be.

And I don't know if you have, or if you had thought about it, but if you go and google teen "suicide prevention" stuff and get a couple of those "what to look for" lists that tells you the patterns of a teen contemplating suicide, take them with a grain of salt. Some of them are so ambiguous or general in their approach that a totally normal teen could check off half of the list. You also happen to be dealing with a teen who is in active depression, so you might pull up the list and be able to check off damn near everything on it, if the list is bad enough. Even good lists easily and readily give false positives in normal teens, let alone an actively depressed teen.

So, don't let it freak you out. Be calm and rational. Stay positive, but don't try to force resolution. Encourage dialog, even if it's just her sobbing and randomly managing to blurt out teary words; it's still communicating, still showing her you really care and are there for her.

Take care, and I hope you all see a good (read: within a reasonably short period of time, and thorough) recovery from this loss.

03-20-2007, 02:05 PM	#39 (permalink)
analog Banned	Stay interested in her plans, make plans to do things. "Hey, let's _____ this weekend." The more receptive to making plans to do things, the better. Keep this going with day-to-day things as well, especially over weekends... so on friday, maybe ask if she'd like to go someplace on monday after school. She's going to be sad/depressed- what to look for is if she suddenly seems very cheery/happy one day (too soon) and has little explanation as to why. If she's willing to sit down and discuss why she's suddenly so happy, and it sounds good, then she's just done some good thinking and that's that. If she refuses attempts to chat about why everything is suddenly ok, that can be an unfavorable sign. Suddenly becoming obsessed with death, or morbid, are not necessarily "freak out" signs- things like morbid poetry or writing, or listening to morbid/dark music. If it persists for a while, then maybe it's something to address (since the event may have actually changed some mental processes, though not necessarily towards suicidal ideation). Stay calm, stay positive, and stay involved with her feelings. If she sees that you're watching her like a hawk, you will have a harder time consoling her, and she will distance herself- neither of which will help her. She may also distance herself from you if you attempt to console her by making statements like, "you'll love again" and things of that nature. Focus on the fact that he was a good guy, and it's a shame what happened, and you're sad he's gone, etc. The more you reinforce that you care and that you're there for her, the better off you'll all be. And I don't know if you have, or if you had thought about it, but if you go and google teen "suicide prevention" stuff and get a couple of those "what to look for" lists that tells you the patterns of a teen contemplating suicide, take them with a grain of salt. Some of them are so ambiguous or general in their approach that a totally normal teen could check off half of the list. You also happen to be dealing with a teen who is in active depression, so you might pull up the list and be able to check off damn near everything on it, if the list is bad enough. Even good lists easily and readily give false positives in normal teens, let alone an actively depressed teen. So, don't let it freak you out. Be calm and rational. Stay positive, but don't try to force resolution. Encourage dialog, even if it's just her sobbing and randomly managing to blurt out teary words; it's still communicating, still showing her you really care and are there for her. Take care, and I hope you all see a good (read: within a reasonably short period of time, and thorough) recovery from this loss.