SecretMethod70

Based on sheer numbers, I could also say that I've rarely seen monogamous relationships work out. For every 2 that make it to marriage, 1 fails, and don't even get me started on all the ones that fall apart before marriage. It's crazy! At best, our culture does not provide any instruction on how to have a successful non-monogamous relationship (although, judging by how well it apparently guides us in monogamy, I'm not sure it'd have much to say anyway!), and at worst it actively shuns it. With that working against it, I'd be quite surprised if non-monogamy weren't less successful than monogamy. Still, comparing it, with all that works against it in our culture, to something that has the support of almost the entire world culture and still only manages to be 50% successful (not even counting the serial monogamist relationships that never make it to marriage), I see no reason to believe that non-monogamy is inherently less likely to succeed. It just means it requires a lot of intelligent work right now to overcome the fact there is absolutely no positive cultural discourse on the issue. In fact, considering non-monogamy is so strongly in our nature, I see no reason not to believe that it would be at least equally successful to monogamy, but probably moreso, if it had the same cultural acceptance.

Anyway, more directly related to the subject of the thread, I am 24 and not married, but I have been with the same person for the past 7 years. It's only natural for me to wonder "what if I had been actively pursuing other relationships in college?" Instead, I went through college never really feeling the need to go out and find either a girlfriend or even a one night stand. There was only one time, during my freshman year, when I seriously considered whether or not I wanted to go out and experience other relationships. I thought long and hard about it and concluded that having other experiences that might potentially lead to something meaningful (but probably wouldn't) was not something worth giving up an already meaningful and promising relationship for. Turns out it was a good decision: I only feel even stronger about our relationship now, and I haven't ever felt the need to consider anything else in place of what I have since that time early in my freshman year.

That said, I'm human and naturally have at least physical interests in other women, regardless of how confident and happy I am in my current relationship. While I am sure I could be happy if onodrim and I lived in a totally monogamous relationship the rest of our lives, living with the unrequited desire most monogamous people have (and which, of course, contributes to the extremely high adultery rate and somewhat less high divorce rate), it is the open and honest communication we have built - and continue to build, especially in the past few years - that has led us to consider the possibility of exploring non-monogamy and the benefits it might have for us. So, it's quite possible that we may find there's no reason to regret not having more experiences with more people when we're eventually married, but we may also decide that a non-monogamous relationship is not something we're really interested in and choose to live with the quite common wish that we had had more partners, while simultaneously being quite happy with our marriage.

People can all always find something to wish they did differently in their lives, but right now I see no reason not to be honest about such regrets and explore whether or not they need to remain that way.

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Le temps détruit tout

"Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling