Hektore

I've had a similar experience that resulted from my own stupidity, a lack of knowledge and an abused SO. You've already been told therapy, good. In my experience the main way to go on if you're going to continue attempting to have a healthy sexual relationship is to show her that the environment in the bedroom (or wherever) is a safe one. She has more insecurities and fear than you can imagine, and it's going to take a huge amount of time and effort on your part to start getting that to change. Since you're already married I'm going to assume you're willing.

Before I get into any advice, I'm not saying I'm perfect or that you don't do any of these things, just that in my experience this is what has worked. Secondly this is a particularly sensitive topic and I am in no way an expert, I just have some experience and know what has worked for me in getting though a similar situation. Basically this is what I made it a point to do, If you go to a professional who says differently by all means listen to them and not me.

First and foremost, make sure she understands she is in control, if she says no you aren't going to get mad, upset or anything. If she decides to stop halfway through, that is still ok and you have no problems with that. Genuinely have no problems as well. It is really important that you not be upset with her for refusal and let it be know that you are not. You said you feel like an ass for wanting to have sex with her still so I think you understand how hard it is for her already to even try, if she feels like she isn't making you happy or is in some way isn't being good to you it's going to make it all worse. It's all about creating a safe and secure environment associated with sex, which is the way it always should have been. She just had that unfairly taken from her.

Spend the time with her anyway when she refuses, don't go to sleep or go make a sandwich, watch tv, anything else. Stay with her, hold her, as long as it takes until she is happy, smiling, back to normal. Sometimes she won't be and she'll cry herself to sleep or still be upset. You have to stay with her, especially in this moment and make sure she knows how much you love and care for her. A caring and loving environment is just as important as a safe one to moving on to a healthier sex life. I'm not saying you're not doing these things, you may be and you haven't said. I just know it can be hard to keep perspective in a situation that can be so frustrating at times that you want to give up. Trust me when I say you aren't the one worse off in the situation, not that it is easy for you, it's just easier for you than it is for her.

I know there is a 'just for fun' side to sex too, but you can't get ever get to that without her feeling completely secure in the situation. She might not ever get there, it might take years, but stick it out. I'm not going to say that it will work out in the end, it might not, ever. But the only way it will get there is if you are 100% committed to working through this with her.

//edit: I thought of this just after I posted. I know there have been some women of the TFP who have been assaulted and abused. You may want to see about getting a post in the Ladies Lounge asking if any of them would be comfortable enough and willing to share their experience with you or answer questions via pm's or however. They may be able to help you get a better grasp of what she is going through. I know you're new (welcome to the TFP by the way) but it's worth a shot.

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