confuzed

We've only been married about 5months, we dated for 8months. There was no sex while we dated cuz that was her conviction, to wait till marriage. To say it was hard was an UNDERSTATEMENT!!

Fast forward to our wedding night, I was all excited and ready to get some but she said she was too tired. I pouted a little bit but just said ok, it's been a long day, what's one more night, right?

So the following day we are kissing, and I ask if she's ready and she gave me a reluctant yes. She just didn't seem into it but I didn't care as it had been almost a yr since I had gotten laid.

Of course since it had been while for her, things didn't seem 'to fit' so we had to go extra slow. Certain times it seemed like she was trying to push me off of her,I asked if she was ok, and she responded that she was fine. So when we finish she turns over and starts to cry. I'm thinking GREAT what now. She revealed to me that she was raped a yr before she met me, and didn't want to tell me. She thought she could push it aside and it would all go away, but obviously having sex brought back memories. All this time I'm thinking she was 'saving' herself or something or trying to 're-virginize' herself, but in truth she was just too traumatised to have sex with me.

Since then we've only had it bout twice month(3times if I'm lucky), she never initiates, it's always me, but I alwys feel like a jerk afterwards becus I can tell she's not into it.

In a way I'm mad. I feel like she should have been honest from the get go. We are newlyweds and can't even enjoy our sex life. Maybe my expectations were set to high, but after going without, and thinking I'd get it just bout every night after marriage, well it's a big let down!