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Frosstbyte, thanks for addressing Carno's statement. Basically, if you read up on the alcohol-induced blackout, you would see that a person can be conscious and still not acting in a fashion that suggests "a conscious decision." Those are two sides of the same word... I think that's one of the problems here.
Gilda and roachboy, thanks for your posts. I really appreciate them. Roachboy, as I said in my journal, the telling of this story has brought the experience to the surface again... simultaneously, it has contributed to some form of healing, just as it happens each time I get triggered. Usually it is only my husband who has been able to comfort me, but putting it all out in a public forum has somehow made it more real, more accessible, and given me some sense of "facing it down."
Smooth, is this some kind of trial for you? Why are you so hung up on this? You might ask me the same thing, but frankly I don't feel a need to explain why I'm "hung up on" one of the most traumatic things I've experienced. The story never changed. Yes, I added details as it went on, because back on page 1 when this was still about the OP, I didn't feel particularly inclined to give a play-by-play of every gory detail about my story. That's not good forum etiquette, and it would have required a post about as long as one of these pages in order to get all the details out. No one does that.
Anyway, six posts ago you were bowing out. I am really not sure why you continued to post, other than that this situation is perhaps causing its own kind of reaction in you... but that is a simple guess. I'm not calling you an asshole, mind you. Nobody here is. But you have some kind of defensive, even accusative, tone to your posts that I don't understand.
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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran
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