abaya

Certainly, Gilda. I don't think anyone here, least of all me, would argue with you. That is beyond any question.

I think the issue here, is whether it is still "rape" in a blackout situation. Are there different degrees of "rape?" I don't know. I just know that when I saw the rape scene in the movie "North Country," it affected me instantaneously. I wept on ktspktsp for a very long time, not knowing why the trigger had been so severe. It was not the same situation as mine, but it triggered the feeling I had when I sobered up that morning and realized what had happened... that I had lost something so extremely valuable to me, at the time. It went far beyond feeling "regret" the next day. It was a strong sense of violation, as well as shame for my being so stupid as to get into that situation.

I am not changing my story. The next time I post I might as well pull out those 3-year-old e-mails and post them all here for you to read. You can see what the guy said, and what I said, and see that it is all the same story, if that's what you want. I'm not sure what you want, really.

Did you read what I quoted about alcohol-induced blackouts? Yes, I was drunk, vomiting, could not walk (all quoted to me by the guy, not in my own memory). That was general drunkenness, crossing into the blackout zone. Once fully in the blackout zone, however (which I only know from reading about the biological reasons behind it), the "drunken" behavior ceases and one starts to appear very lucid and rational. One may continue throwing up (apparently, I did), since the body is trying to get rid of shit, but may also make decisions contrary to the person's otherwise usual convictions and beliefs. That is a trademark of a blackout.

The enjoyment that I noted was at the edge of my blackout, when I was sobering up and realized that I had been having sex (first shock) with someone who was not my friend (another shock) and with whom, in fact, was a complete stranger who seemed to think I was there voluntarily (third shock). All three of these shocks hit me in about 30 seconds, and within that time I was out of the shower, putting on my vomit-stained clothes, and actually ASKING the guy, "Did we have sex? DID WE HAVE SEX? Why is there vomit on my clothes? Where am I? WHO ARE YOU?" over and over again. He could not understand why I was asking him things like that... he thought I had gone insane, perhaps, because he thought I had been conscious of all the answers to those questions throughout the night and had, up until 30 seconds ago, appeared to have been enjoying myself. He saw this woman do an honest 180 in a very short period of time and could not make any more sense of it than I could.

I remembered having sex, but it was not ME... it was another person entirely, during the blackout. The ME who sobered up and had these shocks was not the same person who was "enjoying" the sex... how could it be? It was an act I had condemned in my personal beliefs since I was a young girl. It was akin to murdering someone, in my belief system. It was truly as if two different people had gone through the night in one body... the me who got consciously drunk, and the me who had sex with a stranger. The me who woke up knew that I had been drunk, but did not know how I had gotten into that situation otherwise.

For what it's worth, I agree with you. Hell, I didn't take a drink until my 21st birthday, and had only been fully drunk a few times in my 20's (always in a safe place with friends) before this event happened... but never blacked out for 8 hours straight. If you do read the scientific reports on alcohol-induced blackouts, you can see that they are not always induced by large amounts of alcohol. Sometimes it can be a moderate amount, but it interacts badly with a person's particular chemistry. Yes, that should be taught to young people, obviously. Who would argue with that?

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran