Smooth, with all due respect, I think you either mis-read my posts or I did not write them clearly enough. So here's some more on the issue.
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Originally Posted by smooth
the fact of the matter is, if I were that guy from your past, I would be devestated to be reading what I am here.
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If you were that guy from my past, you would have known every detail I have written here (and more), 3 years ago already. Because we corresponded at length over e-mail, trying to figure out what happened that night. When he found out that I had lost my virginity that night, yes, he was devastated and we stopped corresponding. I never, at any point, accused him point-blank of taking advantage of me, neither in e-mail or in a legal sense. But in my own mind, I could not understand how
I had done something that went so against every single conviction and moral I had at the time. It was as if I was utterly possessed by another entity, it was that foreign of an experience to me. Again, this is common when blackouts occur (as I said earlier), but I didn't know that at the time.
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Originally Posted by smooth
you keep writing that you don't absolve him of taking advantage of you, yet your story as you've described it is some young man meeting a young lady in a bar, who appears conscious and perhaps not even drunk, expresses interest in him sexually, and asks to go to his place to do so. enjoys it, "comes to", exchanges accurate contact information (with a guy who just took advantage of you?--these thoughts seem to come up much later in sequence from this fact), and etc.
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I don't know if you missed this part of the story...
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Originally Posted by abaya
losing my virginity to a stranger who picked me up off of Bourbon Street in New Orleans.
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but I meant it when I said that a stranger
picked me up off of Bourbon Street I was not in some bar, nor was I expressing sexual interest in the guy. Again, from the guy's account only (not my own memory, which is all black at that point) he literally
picked me up from lying
in the street, where I had perhaps collapsed or stumbled and fallen. I was, to some degree, passed out at that point. My purse and beads and camera were in a disarray around me. Apparently after he picked me up we walked around the street some more, he got both of us more drinks (?!?), and I stabilized somehow. Somehow, we got into a taxi, and the idea came up to go back to his hostel, and I seemed to have encouraged it (again, according to his account). There was still no suggestion of sex, as far as I could tell, but that happened once we got there, I suppose. I also apparently vomited several times after he picked me up (there was vomit on my clothes the next morning), which to me is a clear signal that a person is probably not in a good state to be having sex... I mean, do any men actually find it attractive to have sex with someone who's throwing up on or near them? But whatever.
The fact remains that if I had been at all sober, I would never in my life have given consent in any form to go back to that guy's place and have sex with a total stranger. Hell, even if I had been drunk, I never would have expected myself to do something like that... but I had never been blacked out before, either, and I underestimated what one was capable of doing while in that condition. 8 hours, completely blank in my memory... I never imagined I could get
so drunk as to lose my entire self and any semblance of conviction or morals regarding something I held so precious to me as my virginity, at the time. It was utterly unbelievable, and that is how I felt when I came to the next morning. Clearly, I could not accuse the man of rape when I sobered up, since we both (at the moment) appeared to be enjoying ourselves as the blackout ended.
But I can't even describe to you what it felt like to sober up there in the shower... it was like emerging from a dream state, except that the person dreaming was not even me. Like I was coming out of a body that was not mine, and suddenly landing in my own rational self and realizing I had participated in something unthinkable with my body. I knew I had to get myself out of there, and the guy insisted on sharing a cab with me and giving me his contact info. All I wanted to do was to get away from him and the situation, but at some level I knew I needed something tangible in order to sort it all out when I was more composed, so I asked him to write it on paper. And that was it, I jumped out of the cab and was gone into my own hostel, collapsing to sleep because my body had basically been up all night.
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Originally Posted by smooth
as for the OP, I would think that abaya's dilemma over how much responsibility she has over the timeline that led up to her loss of her virginity would fit right into the description of things that need to...well i forget the phrase but basically to own up to one's own responsibility.
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Smooth, did you not read most of my posts? This was exactly my point in the entire thing. To own up to what was my responsibility in the situation. It's exactly what ratbastid commented on, both here and in my most recent journal. I'm not sure why you think I'm not taking responsibility, at all.
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Originally Posted by smooth
now had she come to and not been enjoying herself, and immediately said, hey, what the hell am I doing here, stop right now. I would have more tolerance for a rape or even victim label. The only thing she seems a victim of in this instance is poor judgement and good old fashioned regret. and while I respecdt your decision to retain your virginity until marriage or later or whatever, it's simply not fair to the person you engaged in what he and any reasonable person would have assumed was consent and then to later question whether he is or was a rapist.
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Okay, from what I can tell, it seems you've completely misunderstood most of my posts.
1) When I came to, I DID say "What the hell am I doing here?" and stopped everything. I looked at the guy, looked at myself, and had one of the worst shocks of my life. I put on my clothes, and got the hell out of there as quickly as possible.
2) I NEVER, ever asked anyone here to see me as a victim. That was very clear, unless you somehow missed those posts? As for rape, I will never really know what happened, since all I have is the guy's account of it... but I have chosen to believe him for the most part, because it concurs with what I remember happening as the blackout ended.
3) I think I've been more than fair to the person in question here, far beyond what was necessary. You need to go back and read my posts again, I'm afraid.