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Originally Posted by abaya
Well, a lot of it may be related to the fact that I lived as a "label" (Christian) for a good part of my life, and I have spent the last 7 years disassociating myself from it. I have stopped doing things that would cast me, in any form, under that label... going to church, praying, meeting in fellowship with other Christians, reading the Bible, perhaps even believing in God. Some of those things used to make me happy, but I did not want to be identified with what those things stood for.
So I guess being "vanilla" somehow associates me (and only me, in my mind) with being Christian, and I don't know why... but it does. There is no rationality to it, spectre, I must admit... but for me, the label still carries power for me. Something to do with repression/oppression, I don't know. I expect that I will "evolve" out of it, eventually, but for now I need to distance myself from it. I don't want anything to do with the Christian normal-curve, especially the parts of it related to normative sexual behavior.
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Okay, please try not to take offense at this as it may come off a little harsh, but it's the truth and it really needs to be said.
I don't think that response will be very healthy for you in the long run though. The way I see it, even if you push yourself into the kinkiest and "least Christian" situation you can think of, you're still being controlled because you're not doing it out of a desire for that experience, you're doing it
because of your aversion to being like other Christians. You're not doing this because the Christian group tells you to, but you are acting directly as a result of them. To me, even though you're doing the opposite of what they want, you're actions are influenced by them and you're still being controlled. So, no matter how long you continue on for, you won't break the cycle.
What you're doing right now is, you're waiting for something or someone to come along and put an end to that old label for you. You're going to have to realize at some point that you won't "evolve out of it" and that label isn't just going to go away. You're the one keeping that old label on yourself, and you need to get yourself to a point where you realize that you shouldn't have to worry about being that person because it's not who you are. Doing things you don't enjoy just to rebel against it, though will only make things harder on you in the long run. As I'm sure you've realized, if you're not enjoying it, it's very empty because if it had been working, you wouldn't be so concerned with the old labels and you would have noticed a major improvement after this long. There is no evolving out of it, just realizing that you're not who you once were and that you are not defined by a label about who you were nearly a decade ago. Take control and kick that label off of yourself. Don't wait for someone or something else to do it for you. I know that's easier said than done, but trust me, it can be done.
Side Note: I'm not arguing against kink, far from it actually. I'm just arguing that you should do what make sex more fun for you, because that's what's important. If you prefer vanilla, go with vanilla. If you'd rather have kink, go with kink. But don't go with either if it's going to keep you from enjoying the experience, because, really, what's the point then?
