Thank you all for the replies; I appreciate it greatly as always. To begin with I cannot move out reason is that it’s literally impossible for them to survive without me I know that for a DAMN fact plus they’ll just tell my little sister to do all the crap for them. I WILL survive but even though they are the only family I really have I still feel as if I owe them. As I’ve grown I’ve learned that it’s easier to forgive people than have grudges, you rather cut those people out of your life THAN to have grudges because you become resentful, hateful and begin to have thoughts about people that pollute your mind.
This being a different case because we ARE (semi) tied by blood it makes those ties a little bit more complex and intricate to let go. I was suggested in the other thread as well to move out but I just can’t. I don’t have it in me to do that. My mother just finished her chemo and now menopause is kicking in and she is ridiculously moody as well as going through depression, the weight gaining, everything is taking a toll on her and we end up taking the brunt of her mood swings, her ignoring us and just being grumpy. I try my best to not say anything but when a person is in a negative frame of mind and feels utterly hopeless it becomes literally impossible to get through to them because they take it as criticism or better yet anything you say pertaining to them becomes negative even though it is positive. Sometimes our mind sees and hears things it wants to in order to go according to our reality of what we perceive and I understand that completely because that is how my mother’s frame of mind is and it is slowly taking over my dad like poison.
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I recall that your family is at least partially Asian, right? And if so, I hear ya on that one, big time. I'm 28 and have lived away from home for a good 10 years, but my mom seems to constantly think that I'll move right back home as soon as I get my PhD (uggh) and will pop out grandchildren for her pleasure after that. She gets jealous of my HUSBAND, for crying out loud. She recognizes that it's because she's insecure, but then she does very little to work on that.
Then again, she is also Thai, and Thai parents are notorious for sheltering their daughters for as long as possible (I'm an only child, too), and then as soon as they are making an income, becoming dependent on their children and expecting them to take care of the parents until they die. Not that I have a huge ethical issue with that, because I do feel it is reciprocity, but at the same time my mom seeks no life outside of mine.
It is a real burden of culture, I feel, and it makes me both sad and resentful. I don't have any answers for you, because I know it isn't as easy as saying "Just move out, cut off ties, etc." But there may be ways for you to gradually establish your independence from them... open a secret bank account and put away some money every month. And do confront them on how unhealthy this all is, and whether or not they want you to actually have no life and not meet any women (that will get their attention) and start a family. Ask them what they imagine you doing in 5 years, and how they expect you to get there, with this kind of life? Something like that.
Best of luck, man.
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The hardest part for me to accept is the fact that I didn't have a good upbringing to begin with a "normal" one. My parents HAVE NOT raised me in a sense that they were never really their for support and the development I needed. I don't even know sometimes how I am the way I am at this age of 21. I talk to people sometimes and they always ask me how old I am because they tell me I don't act or speak like a 21 year old but rather a 35 year old because my understanding is beyond that of a 21 year old. That is why I never give ANY credit to may parents because I had to learn everything by myself HOWEVER, my parents always seem to think that I owe them. Yes they provide me with a place to sleep but that is it. I feed and take care of my damn self if it were up to me I would have moved out a long time ago. In terms of maintaining the house me and my little sister do ALL of the sh** from cleaning to washing their cars yet we still get criticized that it's not enough. Isn't life great...?
I do understand your point and I would never in a million years mind providing for my parents BUT I have nothing to offer them right now, I literally don't have anything to give them if I did I would in a heart-beat but I need the finances to last me through the semester to where I don't have to work. As for women their another issue that I'm not even going to get into.
A little while ago I had an incident where my dad took my money from my room to teach me a “lesson” and it really hit a nerve inside of me.
You can read it here.
Very Frustrated...
I went with him in the car to pick some things up for our business which has not being doing good, actually very bad and my dad has put it on the market to sell because the business has been behind in payments and the bank has been charging over-draft fees. My dad’s partner is not willing to work and would rather hire other employees than work so my dad eventually got tired of working his ass off and at the end of the day him and his partner end up getting the same pay-check which is not fair. My dad was telling me this and he said something that send chills down my spine…”…It doesn’t matter I still get even…”. What he meant by that is that he has been stealing from the business without the other guys knowledge. “…he made me do it…” is what he said. Considering I know the insides of how a private business work I was shocked and scared beyond belief as to how low he had gone and it hit me. These problems hadn’t been recently happening they had been accumulating over-time and the reason by dad took the money from my room was because he didn’t want to be behind in payments. He was going to pay the bills off and when he had gotten the funds back he was going to give me my money back. Even though according to him it was a “joke” to teach me a lesson. When I had previously confronted him about why he would try to teach me a lesson, the same night he left the house and came back and he had been crying. It wasn’t because of the hurtful things I had said to him but the mere fact I made him realize what he had ACTUALLY done. Those were not tears of what I had said to him but rather of him actually admitting to himself what he had done and how much of a scum he had become to resort to taking money from your own child.
To make things worse, when we went to pick things up for the business and he put out 1 product and told the guy we had 8 of them the guy FORGOT to charge us for the other 7. As asked my dad that I don’t think the guy charged us for the other 7 and he acted as if he didn’t hear me and kept on looking over the receipt. When we got to the car he says that
“I think your right he didn’t charge us” I tell him we should go return it and he just tells me to put the stuff in the care and let’s go. I didn’t say anything BUT this was another clue that even though he is 56 he is most defiantly capable of doing something so low and the mere fact he has done this before and habitually he has no problem doing it again.
I didn’t say anything in the car because I honestly really had nothing to say because now I see his colors. I understand that financial constrains causes all types of stress and that you have to do what you have to do to survive but me in all honestly am having a very hard-time watching my parents break-down like this and frankly I don’t even know how long I have till I lose my senses because I feel like sh**. I put myself in their shoes and the pain becomes unbearable to understand because they have rationalized their behaviors so much that it seems normal to them, criticizing or confronting doesn’t even seem like a logical solution because I don’t see them as humans but rather figments of what they used to be….empty ghosts living day to day.