abaya

Me too, me too!! So many people have always thought I was an extrovert... but the fact is that I dislike groups larger than 3-4 (at most!), especially if they are strangers, and I become profoundly anxious after several hours of exposure to new people and/or crowds. Unless, of course, I'm shit-faced drunk... there goes my inhibition. But since most social gatherings are not longer than a few hours, I manage to eke out a gregarious impression on people, only to get home and crash completely in a calm, quiet room. Only my husband really knows that side of me... even my parents and best friends would be surprised to hear that I feel this way, since I mask it pretty well.

Anyway, to answer the questions...

~Are you a contributor or a spectator? I'm a participant-observer, how's that? (Something along the lines of what JJ said.) In fact, participant-observation is the primary method that anthropologists use when interacting with a population... and it's something I'm pretty much a natural at, I think (and it's my job). I have shied away from direct contribution over the years, after a lot of leadership positions in HS/college, and become someone who likes to participate in activities, but not be the center of them... and more often, like to observe them and see the big picture of why people act the way they do. But I can't help jumping in sometimes, because life's too short to marginalize yourself.

~What are your goals and ambitions? I'm gonna go with a gut reaction here. My goal is to live with as little regret as possible... not so much for things I did wrong, since I'm bound to make mistakes (and mistakes are SO essential for growth), but to avoid regretting things I didn't do. That is, my goal is to not live in fear of new experiences, of change, of things that make me uncomfortable, of people or situations that might challenge me. Throughout my life, this philosophy has been the only source of growth and joy for me... to simply embrace newness, or at least give it a fighting chance. Stagnation and boredom are some of my greatest fears (though I see them being different from contentment, btw... which IS one of my goals).

~Do you want to be remembered for something after you're dead? Yes, as someone who took life by the balls and lived it to my fullest. I don't want to be remembered as someone who let my choices be dictated by unhealthy fears. I want to be remembered as someone who sought out all my potential, even if that means living a quiet life and simply enjoying the day to day, raising a healthy family and being a good role model for my family and community. I don't want to be remembered as someone who worked too hard, or too little; or who was a recluse, or who lived on the edge; or spent too much money, or being a scrooge... heh, maybe I want to be normal (no extremes). I just want to be remembered as having LIVED, really lived, and tried to explore all facets of what it means to be human, without fear.

/asks pardon for rambling...

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran