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#1 - if you're drinking to the point of blackout (which is how I read the "under the shirt" incident), you have a problem. If for no other reasons than your health, you may want to reconsider how drinking affects you.
#2 - Since you apparently don't have any memories that would confirm or deny the incident, you need to figure out if it actually happened. Maybe it's just my interpretation, but there seems to be some doubt.
#3 - If this did indeed happen, I think that if you want to keep seeing your friend in a nonwork setting, you should only do so in the company of your wife. If she's with you every time you see her outside of work with no exceptions, hopefully that will make her more comfortable. Your friend seems ok with that setup already so no one should have their feelings hurt. That would include lunches, which would obviously be a pain in the ass, but since you seem interested in saving your marriage, that seems like a logical hurdle to clear for me.
#4 - Right, wrong or indifferent, it's your wife's perception of the relationship that's important here. Maybe she'll figure out what it really is in time, but if she perceives a threat she's going to act accordingly. That's what you need to work on.
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"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo
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