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Originally Posted by abaya
Martian, this is great... thank you so much for your insight. What you say about allowing children to explore their emotions... that's exactly how I've been envisioning it in my head, to somehow let them recognize, access, their feelings... not stuff them away or be afraid of them, especially just because of gender. I really hope that with each successive generation, men (and women) become more balanced emotionally and less constrained by unhealthy social expectations of how they "should" deal with feelings. That would be a beautiful thing.
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I really like what you said there. Particularly, I like that you've recognized that there are ways that people are expected to behave emotionally and that often those expectations aren't healthy for the individual. The reality is that there is no one ideal way to respond to a feeling. There's no right or wrong or good or bad to emotions and the sooner we can all realize and accept this fact, the better off we'll be.
Personally, I know the truth of it. It's the accepting part that I have trouble with.
The good news is, a child (or an adult for that matter) always has access to his emotions. Or, to be more precise, his emotions always have access to him. We don't really get a lot of say in how things make us feel, which is what makes emotions such a devilish topic to begin with. The part where so many of us men have trouble is the recognition and coping part of it. I know when I'm upset or angry or sad or depressed. What I have trouble with is
why I am that way. And when I figure that out the next hurdle is what to
do about it. I often have trouble with the concept that I should just allow myself to feel a certain way; in other words, that I don't have to do anything. Personally, I'm one of those guys who likes to fix things; I work with my hands a lot and if something breaks I'm usually first in line to see if I can get it back up and running again. If people and relationships worked that way I'd be all set, but they don't. So here I am, feeling angry and wanting to fix it. Trying to figure out how to fix it. What takes a while to get through sometimes is that I don't have to fix it. I can't always acknowledge right away that I'm allowed to be angry.
And this, ultimately, is what I mean when I say you have to allow your son to feel. He should absolutely be allowed to get upset about things; after all, he's going to whether it's allowed or not. The part where you and dad can play a role is in teaching him healthy ways to deal with these emotions and teaching him how to get to the root of them in the first place. Sometimes we're not always upset about what we think we're upset about. Figuring out the true cause of our woes is crucial to getting past them. The recognition and the response are up to you and pop; the two of you have to both show him and tell him what the appropriate responses are. One without the other won't be nearly as effective. It's the two combined and from an early age that will allow him to grow and learn how to do it on his own later in life.