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Oh my. My mistake man, I guess I misunderstood.
You mention you cramp up when you eat? Is it lack of appetite? Maybe a philosophical approach is worth a try.
For me, I love eating. I love food and find it pleasureable (in moderation of course). The only time I lost my appetite is when I was either sick or the time I experience some major trauma. As a result, I lost 30-35 lbs in one month cause I "couldn't" eat.
Maybe you need to rediscover the joy of eating again. Is there any food you like? It's good that you like beer and the dark ones at that. In a way, there's a natural pairing there.
For example, if you like dark draughts like Guiness Stout, then it goes really well with a nice pot roast or corned beef and cabbage or any stew. Throw in a side of soda bread or a nice rye or other heavy bread and unsalted butter or even sharp cheese. Like Irish Gold.
Does that sound good to you (damn I'm making myself hungry and now I want a beer!!)?
Or how about something light? Like a lager and match it with some nice Thai food. Iwould recommend Singha (Thai beer) and some nice red curry, or tom kha kai (chicken coconut soup). Toss in some pad thai and life is good.
If you need high calories in small portions then the only thing I can think of is fatty foods like cheeses or meats in cream sauces. But since you don't exercise, I would be concerned about cholesterol etc..
Have you considered speaking to a doctor or nutrionist to develop a good diet plan?
Anyways, best of luck to you man and if you ever come to LA, then let me know and we will drink beer to our heart's content. There are some nice pubs with good beers on tap, even some "Belgian ales".
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