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We've since moved past the specific case of the OP and into a more general discussion of the issues involved.
Negative comments continue to affect us because we don't have perfect control over our emotions or how they effect us in the long run. We're not robots reflecting on external conditions all the time to decide whether or not they are rational and whether it's reasonable to allow them to affect us.
We learn through internalizing external observations, both through direct and indirect instruction. If someone tells you something often enough with enough authority, you are going to believe that. That's one of the basic elements of pedagogical theory, repetition and practice leads to internalization of the concept being taught. This happens informally also, through assimilation of implicit cultural values.
Self image can suffer as a result. It's a mistake to believe that because it's an internal characteristic that it is controllable in the same manner as rational thought. It's an emotional characteristic that is formed through a long series of exposures to and interactions with the world. It can be shaped by rational examination, and good parents and teachers, considerate people will try to steer it towards productive self awareness, will try to shape it intentionally in a positive and realistic manner.
There's also the implications derived from true statements. For example, I'm skinny and flat chested. Those are facts, not judgements. That those things are generally considered unattractive in our society is a judgement, one which is easy to internalize given how often it's encountered in a variety of contexts, both explicit and implicit. This doesn't mean that I want to be reminded of this, and most people are considerate enough not to comment.
The target of rude comments and culturally instilled values does have a responsibilty to deal with how those values affect her on a personal level, this is true, but it's a lot more complex than "Don't let it bother you."
If someone were to call me flat chested as an insult, the answers to your little quiz would be yes it's true, yes it matters to me, yes I agree with them (I have to because it is factually true) and no, I can't change it. This is supposed to make me feel better about having been insulted? Not seeing the logic there.
Gilda
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I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.
~Steven Colbert
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