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New Office Policy
DRESS CODE
You are advised to come to work dressed according to your
salary.
- If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying Gucci handbags,
we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not
need a raise.
- If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage you money
better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore, do not need a
raise.
- If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be
and therefore, do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to
work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year, also
referred to as Saturdays & Sundays.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be
made to have non-employees attend to the funeral arrangements. In rare
cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
through your lunch hour and subsequently leave on hour early.
BATHROOM BREAKS
Too much time is being spent on the toilet. There is
now a strict three minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense,
your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the
"Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
referred to the company's mental health facility.
LUNCH BREAK
-Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat
more, so that they can look healthy.
- Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced
meal to maintain their average figure.
- Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the
time needed to drink a slim-fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to
provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions,
comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, consternation and input
should be directed elsewhere.
Management
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Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques
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