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Originally Posted by Gretsch Player
Well, we came to an understanding, after long conversations about sexuality, marriage, commitment etc., we came to the understanding that our ideal is the traditional marriage, but that making unrealistic promises to only ever sleep with one another is foolishness. No one could ever promise that. To promise that means to say that you can see into the future and you know that there is no possible circumstance under which you would ever have sex with someone other than your chosen mate. It's just pure, traditionalist stupidity to me. I wish I had seen it that clearly before.
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First, I'm not getting into the value and stability of polyamorous marriages. I don't know enough about them to fairly judge, but I don't believe that my judgment is really relevant. What works for a couple is what works for them, even when it isn't something I'd be interested in.
However, I do have to take issue with your statment here. You know yourself better than anybody else here, so you can say with some certainty what your view of your marriage is. I won't dispute that. But to generalize that to everyone is simply inaccurate.
No one could ever promise that.
Complete nonesense. People can, and do promise just that in full sincerity.
To promise that means to say that you can see into the future and you know that there is no possible circumstance under which you would ever have sex with someone other than your chosen mate.
Again, nonsense. A promise isn't precognition, it's a commitment to behave in a certain way, a way of focusing yourself on what is important to you and profiding incentive to honor what is important. It's a statement of intent to do what it is in your ability to control to honor that promise. That we are imperfect and may not always be able to keep our commitments does not mean that making them is foolish. Having goals and ideals and striving to meet those goals and live up to those ideals is important.
It's just pure, traditionalist stupidity to me.
I'm happy for you that you've come to a realization about what is best for you and for your marriage. I'm not one to judge other people's relationships. I know of a family that consists of a triad, a married couple and the woman's transsexual girlfriend, and their child. Because it works for them, I have no problem with it.
I, however, am comitted to just one person and she to me. It isn't exactly "traditional" (I don't think anything about my family is really traiditional in the mainstream family structure way), but we are traditionally monogamous in that we don't, and won't sleep with others. It's not a matter of jealousy or insecurity or not being able to communicate with each other--we're very solid in all those areas--it's that we've decided that outside romantic relationships would detract from our core commitment to each other.
It's good that you've discovered that traditional monogamy doesn't work for you. You now have information that you lacked, which can only strengthen what you have (assuming your judgment on this is sound). But that monogamy doesn't work for you does not mean that it's unsuitable for others. It can, and does work, and it isn't stupid if it's what is best for the couple involved.
Gilda