Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Am I in an open marriage? Is it polyamory? Polyfidelity? Definitions please.

Gretsch Player · 09-23-2006, 12:39 PM

My wife and I have what I think is a very conservative open marriage.

The short and skinny version of the story is that I leave the country on business quite often and about 7 years ago, after about 6 years of marriage, she started going out with a male coworker while I was gone. Basically, it was dating. What other word is there for it when a man and a woman go to the beach, go to bars and play pool, go to his house for "movie night" etc? There was no sex involved at that point, but they were dating. I leave the country for four or five weeks at a time and this bugged the shit out of me, but I was being the 'progressive' husband and I didn't want to be a jealous asshole. I had a girlfriend before who was a jealous nut, and it used to drive me crazy, so I didn't want to be like that with my wife.

Well, the second time I left the country for a 5 week hitch, the dating went into overdrive and I didn't let that get to me either. In fact, I told her that it was ok. It bugged me, as I said, but what were my choices? Lock her in a closet until I got home? Why should she sit at home bored while I am travelling the world? So I let her have her fun.

And, by the way, when I am home, we go out and have fun a lot too, so it's not as if he was giving her something that I wasn't.

Well, that time after I got home, a few days later, she was getting dressed up. I said, "What are you getting dressed up for?" She said "**** and I are going out tonight. He wanted to take me to this restaurant that's also a brewery." So I told her that I don't mind them going out while I am gone, but I'll be fucked if they are going to go out and leave me sitting at home in the precious few weeks I have with her.

And let's be clear about this: My marriage at that time was fine. We weren't fighting. We were communicating well (we always have) and the sex was great. Ask her and she will say the same thing.

So back to the story: she said "But, **** and I planned this date 2 weeks ago" and I said "I don't give a shit if you planned it 2 fucking years ago, you are calling him up right now and telling him that the date is off. If you want to go out with me, that's fine, but I'll be fucked if you are going out with him when I am on vacation."

So, a month later, when I left the country, he made his move. They got drunk together and the next thing you know they were fucking. the best she can recall, the fling lasted longer than a week and less than two.

All I knew was that when I came back, she didn't call him. Didn't talk to him. Didn't talk about him. Never mentioned him. And I never liked the guy, I thought he was a weasel, so I never said "Hey what happened to your friend ****?"

So a year and a half ago, which is several years after the affair, I found out about it. She confessed everything. I was pissed of course, but, I already suspected something anyway.

Well, we came to an understanding, after long conversations about sexuality, marriage, commitment etc., we came to the understanding that our ideal is the traditional marriage, but that making unrealistic promises to only ever sleep with one another is foolishness. No one could ever promise that. To promise that means to say that you can see into the future and you know that there is no possible circumstance under which you would ever have sex with someone other than your chosen mate. It's just pure, traditionalist stupidity to me. I wish I had seen it that clearly before.

So, our agreement is that our marriage is a nearly traditional marriage. We are committed to one another. If you met us, you would never ever guess that we have an open marriage and we would never tell you. Even if the subject of open marriages and polyfidelity came up... unless we really knew and trusted you. But she and I were talking about that and we named all of our friends and family and there is only one that she said she would tell, and that was a 'maybe'.

Our marriage is now thus: she will not ever be on the prowl looking for sex outside of our marriage. Ever. She has never been slutty in her life, and there is no reason she would start now. If she ever gets into a situation where there is a guy who is 'dangerous', she has made me three promises:

1) She will be safe and use protection
2) She will let me know as soon as possible
3) She will never, ever leave me for a fling.

Of course, these promises work both ways, but frankly, she is a bit hornier than me

(just a bit)

Since this arrangement has been agreed upon, she has made out with one guy. That's it. She went to a bar with about 20 people, only two of whom she knew, and she said the next thing you knew, two by two, they wandered off, to go dance or to the bathroom or whatever. Pretty soon she was left alone with a young guy. He was about 25. She is in her 40s. She said he was extremely handsome. Very good looking young man. She looked at him and said, "Well, it's just me and you now" and this motherfucker just grabbed her and started making out with her. He never said a word. Just shoved his tongue down her throat.

She said they made out a bit, but it went no farther than that. They were drunk. What can I say? It proved that I have no jealousy anymore. None. At all. I wasn't angry or hurt in the least. Not even a tiny bit. In fact, when she told me about it, I smiled quite broadly.

And there is a guy in Scotland who wants to fuck her so bad, he can't stand it, but she has been keeping him at arm's length for about 5 years now.

There will never be a situation where she and I will be in a bar and she will be making out with a guy and someone will say "Hey, why is your wife making out with that dude?" and I will say, "Oh, it's ok, we have an open marriage".

We once knew a couple like that. They were friends of a friend of ours. In fact, the man asked his wife to snoop around and see if my wife would be interested in fucking him. She told the woman "Abso -fucking -lutely not!" She was extremely put off by it. Those two were always on the prowl.

So, the reason for the post was to request definitions, because I don't know anything about this shit. Open marriage? Polyfidelity? Polyamory? Swinging? (although I think I have that one figured out)

Am I correct? Do I have an "open marriage"? A very conservative one, or is there another term for it? Is my marriage polyfidelity? Can someone read all this and help figure it all out?

Thank you

PS: By the way, I posted my concerns on the "off-topic" section of a libertarian/left-leaning political forum I frequent, and you would not believe the hatred and vitriol leveled against me from supposed non-traditionalists. Society is ill-equipped to handle people who have different ideas about marriage, I guess. They insisted I couldn't be happy. I said I was. My marriage is better now than it ever was. That is no exaggeration. Our marriage is stronger than it was even before she slept with that half-man.

Another guy said that I have "self-esteem issues" I said "No, my self-esteem is fine". He replied, "I disagree." So, I retorted, "Well, I know me. You don't. Therefore, my opinion of my self-esteem necessarily trumps yours. I win the debate, automatically."

Maybe anyone in a similar marriage or relationship to mine could address societal non-acceptance as well. Really, I was quite surprised by it. I thought they would say "Congratulations on finding a mutally beneficial solution to your earlier marital problems." but no, it was things like "DUMP THE BITCH" and "UR DUM LOL"

09-23-2006, 12:39 PM	#1 (permalink)
Gretsch Player Upright Location: Pueblo West, CO	Am I in an open marriage? Is it polyamory? Polyfidelity? Definitions please. My wife and I have what I think is a very conservative open marriage. The short and skinny version of the story is that I leave the country on business quite often and about 7 years ago, after about 6 years of marriage, she started going out with a male coworker while I was gone. Basically, it was dating. What other word is there for it when a man and a woman go to the beach, go to bars and play pool, go to his house for "movie night" etc? There was no sex involved at that point, but they were dating. I leave the country for four or five weeks at a time and this bugged the shit out of me, but I was being the 'progressive' husband and I didn't want to be a jealous asshole. I had a girlfriend before who was a jealous nut, and it used to drive me crazy, so I didn't want to be like that with my wife. Well, the second time I left the country for a 5 week hitch, the dating went into overdrive and I didn't let that get to me either. In fact, I told her that it was ok. It bugged me, as I said, but what were my choices? Lock her in a closet until I got home? Why should she sit at home bored while I am travelling the world? So I let her have her fun. And, by the way, when I am home, we go out and have fun a lot too, so it's not as if he was giving her something that I wasn't. Well, that time after I got home, a few days later, she was getting dressed up. I said, "What are you getting dressed up for?" She said "** and I are going out tonight. He wanted to take me to this restaurant that's also a brewery." So I told her that I don't mind them going out while I am gone, but I'll be fucked if they are going to go out and leave me sitting at home in the precious few weeks I have with her. And let's be clear about this: My marriage at that time was fine. We weren't fighting. We were communicating well (we always have) and the sex was great. Ask her and she will say the same thing. So back to the story: she said "But, and I planned this date 2 weeks ago" and I said "I don't give a shit if you planned it 2 fucking years ago, you are calling him up right now and telling him that the date is off. If you want to go out with me, that's fine, but I'll be fucked if you are going out with him when I am on vacation." So, a month later, when I left the country, he made his move. They got drunk together and the next thing you know they were fucking. the best she can recall, the fling lasted longer than a week and less than two. All I knew was that when I came back, she didn't call him. Didn't talk to him. Didn't talk about him. Never mentioned him. And I never liked the guy, I thought he was a weasel, so I never said "Hey what happened to your friend **?" So a year and a half ago, which is several years after the affair, I found out about it. She confessed everything. I was pissed of course, but, I already suspected something anyway. Well, we came to an understanding, after long conversations about sexuality, marriage, commitment etc., we came to the understanding that our ideal is the traditional marriage, but that making unrealistic promises to only ever sleep with one another is foolishness. No one could ever promise that. To promise that means to say that you can see into the future and you know that there is no possible circumstance under which you would ever have sex with someone other than your chosen mate. It's just pure, traditionalist stupidity to me. I wish I had seen it that clearly before. So, our agreement is that our marriage is a nearly traditional marriage. We are committed to one another. If you met us, you would never ever guess that we have an open marriage and we would never tell you. Even if the subject of open marriages and polyfidelity came up... unless we really knew and trusted you. But she and I were talking about that and we named all of our friends and family and there is only one that she said she would tell, and that was a 'maybe'. Our marriage is now thus: she will not ever be on the prowl looking for sex outside of our marriage. Ever. She has never been slutty in her life, and there is no reason she would start now. If she ever gets into a situation where there is a guy who is 'dangerous', she has made me three promises: 1) She will be safe and use protection 2) She will let me know as soon as possible 3) She will never, ever leave me for a fling. Of course, these promises work both ways, but frankly, she is a bit hornier than me (just a bit) Since this arrangement has been agreed upon, she has made out with one guy. That's it. She went to a bar with about 20 people, only two of whom she knew, and she said the next thing you knew, two by two, they wandered off, to go dance or to the bathroom or whatever. Pretty soon she was left alone with a young guy. He was about 25. She is in her 40s. She said he was extremely handsome. Very good looking young man. She looked at him and said, "Well, it's just me and you now" and this motherfucker just grabbed her and started making out with her. He never said a word. Just shoved his tongue down her throat. She said they made out a bit, but it went no farther than that. They were drunk. What can I say? It proved that I have no jealousy anymore. None. At all. I wasn't angry or hurt in the least. Not even a tiny bit. In fact, when she told me about it, I smiled quite broadly. And there is a guy in Scotland who wants to fuck her so bad, he can't stand it, but she has been keeping him at arm's length for about 5 years now. There will never be a situation where she and I will be in a bar and she will be making out with a guy and someone will say "Hey, why is your wife making out with that dude?" and I will say, "Oh, it's ok, we have an open marriage". We once knew a couple like that. They were friends of a friend of ours. In fact, the man asked his wife to snoop around and see if my wife would be interested in fucking him. She told the woman "Abso -fucking -lutely not!" She was extremely put off by it. Those two were always on the prowl. So, the reason for the post was to request definitions, because I don't know anything about this shit. Open marriage? Polyfidelity? Polyamory? Swinging? (although I think I have that one figured out) Am I correct? Do I have an "open marriage"? A very conservative one, or is there another term for it? Is my marriage polyfidelity? Can someone read all this and help figure it all out? Thank you PS: By the way, I posted my concerns on the "off-topic" section of a libertarian/left-leaning political forum I frequent, and you would not believe the hatred and vitriol leveled against me from supposed non-traditionalists. Society is ill-equipped to handle people who have different ideas about marriage, I guess. They insisted I couldn't be happy. I said I was. My marriage is better now than it ever was. That is no exaggeration. Our marriage is stronger than it was even before she slept with that half-man. Another guy said that I have "self-esteem issues" I said "No, my self-esteem is fine". He replied, "I disagree." So, I retorted, "Well, I know me. You don't. Therefore, my opinion of my self-esteem necessarily trumps yours. I win the debate, automatically." Maybe anyone in a similar marriage or relationship to mine could address societal non-acceptance as well. Really, I was quite surprised by it. I thought they would say "Congratulations on finding a mutally beneficial solution to your earlier marital problems." but no, it was things like "DUMP THE BITCH" and "UR DUM LOL"