My first observation was the amount of literary illustration. It takes a good balance to have enough detail and description for a reader to be able to envision what you already see in your head, but you don't want to give them sensory overload at the same time. If there's a balance of the two, the imagery that you do choose to include will be more rare and therefore be less confused with the next picture.
As you said - definitely room to grow, thoughout reading, this was the first thing that popped in my head over and over as I read through the paragraphs.
I am curious to see how this will end up!
