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Old 08-28-2006, 09:56 PM   #45 (permalink)
MSD
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How to embrace your inner "Nice Guy" and slit his throat when he least expects it

Here's a scenario:

I'm about to introduce you to one of my female friends. She's gorgeous, she's single, and she's been looking at that guy at the bar in the ripped jeans and leather jacket decorated with chains all night. She just told me she's going to go over and talk to him, but I think he has "bad news" written all over him, and I decide to introduce you to her. I motion for her to come over to us, and introduce her, "This is [your name here,] I think you should meet him," and point at you. I take half a step back, and she leans in so you can hear each other over the music. She says, "Ian told me you're someone I should get to know [smiles a bit,] why does he think that?"

Time yourself, you have exactly five seconds after I say "go." You see her glance over at the guy I'm trying to keep her away from, and you know you don't have much time to impress her. GO!

five ... four ... three ... two ... one ... time's up


You said something, right? You knew I was trying to help both of you out, so you didn't freeze up. If you did, hold that thought for a few seconds. If you told her, "I won a trophy last week for the regional armpit farting championships," at least you got the trophy, because she said, "oh, ok," and not only are you not going to get to know her better, I'm gong to kick your ass after I have to pull Mr. Tough Guy off of her and realize that I don't have a current tetanus shot. Even then, you could have done worse. If your answer was along the lines of "Because I'm a nice guy," I'm going to buy you a beer to cry into, because you're never going to get women with that attitude. I'll leave out the more obvious wrong answers, because if you give those, you're beyond what I can help you with.

"But Ian, what's wrong with being a nice guy," you ask? There's nothing wrong with it. The problem is that you're exhibiting signs of Nice Guy Personality Complex (NGPC)

As a NGPC suffferer, you may have noticed that you always end up being "just friends" with women. You're like the gay friend to these women, the difference being that teh gay friend is probably having more sex than you. Your first step toward recovery is to swear to yourself, and to me (because I'll kick your ass if you don't,) that you'll never describe yourself to a woman as "nice" again. "I'm a nice guy" is like saying "she has a great personality." It means that you have one good quality and nothing else going for you. If you refuse to think of yourself as a nice guy, you'll stop projecting that image to others. Niceness is something that should be self-evident, not a quality to be worn as a medallion. It'll show through in the first few dates when you're polite to the waiter and take genuine interest in what she says.

What are you really saying when you tell her that :I'm a nice guy"? You're telling her that you're compensating for a lack of anything worthwhile to say by trying to say what you think she wants to hear. In reality, you think you're God's gift to women, the alternative to the assholes and salvation to the women who want to escape from them. You would treat her right. You're an asshole, too; you're just passive-aggressive about it. Once you get past the first few dates (if you even get that far,) the inner douchebag shines through and she sees that you're not relationship material.

What you have to do is to develop something that sets you apart from the crowd. Learn to cook and amaze her with a homecooked meal, learn to juggle and amuse her, become a wine connoisseur and introduce her to her new favorite wine, be like me and learn to do this, but for the love of God, don't just tell her that "I'm a nice guy." Learn to hold a conversation, diversify your interests and be able to join in on, or at least comprehend, most conversations that might arise. Be good at something and exude confidence via an engaging personality. Being a nice guy (the good kind, not suffering from NGPC) is great, but it can't save you if you're boring.


You're in luck. My friend's twin sister just walked in, and after this lesson, I think I can match her up wtih the perfect guy. "Ian just told me that you're someone I should get to know. Tell me a bit about yourself." She just saw the group of guys her sister is with, and a few of them are unattached. It's a good thing that you thought about what I said, because this means you only have three seconds.

Three ... two ... one ... now.

"Really? After the last few people I've met, I'm glad Ian didn't set me up with one of those boring 'nice guys.' Let's go get some drinks and talk out on the patio for a bit."
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