Alright, NoSoup has learned several valuable lessions.
1) There is no such thing as mild soap.
2) It is very important to read. Granted, it is three in the morning and it feels as though my balls are about to spontaneously combust, but simply because a tube shaped like neosporin is right where the neosporin should be doesn't necessarily mean it is neosporin.
For future referance, blistex burns like you would not believe.
However, after washing it off and applying neosporin, I would have to say that it hurts less. Although I can't really say it has improved or the initial pain level, I at least appreciate how it currently feels as opposed to having a white hot fire called blistex being applied to my poor baby-makers...
Thanks for the help Sage
However, keep the suggestions coming - I'm hoping for some type of magical cure...