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Rodney · 06-26-2006, 12:27 PM

Mom's got her own problems and insecurities, and she's projecting them on you.

My mom used to do this to my sister all the time -- criticize her about stuff, though not the same stuff as yours -- and I finally (after many years) called her down privately and said "You wouldn't treat a friend that way, would you?" And Mom answered, literally "No -- BUT SHE'S MY DAUGHTER." Sheesh. Situation only really resolved itself when Mom got old (she's in her '80s now) and my sister took over as hospitality head of the family. Of course she won by _becoming Mom_ and she now pushes Mom around just the way Mom used to do her. So that's not a solution I'd recommend!

So what I'd do is what my sister did _before_ she went over to the dark side :-). Keep your own counsel. Don't tell your mother as much about your plans. Start to cut loose from your Mom a little more. If she asks why, tell her the truth: everything she says is negative. But love her and honor her. If she can't accept how you need to be to grow into yourself, that is really her problem.

Because whether she intends to or not, Mom is smothering you. She's trying to keep you close to the nest (at least psychologically) by attacking your confidence in your own decisions. It may have been done to her when she was a kid, and she's passing the hurt onto you because it is the only way she knows. And you may already have taken some of Mom's message to heart.

My favorite bible passage is "The sins of the father are visited upon the sons, unto the tenth generation." Because it's just wisdom: when a person gets damaged in some way and doesn't learn from it, they tend to inflict that same damage onto their own children, and their children repeat the process. Shrinks know all about this. You need to be aware of this to help you cope with mom -- and make sure you're not doing it, yourself.

06-26-2006, 12:27 PM	#4 (permalink)
Rodney Observant Ruminant Location: Rich Wannabe Hippie Town	Mom's got her own problems and insecurities, and she's projecting them on you. My mom used to do this to my sister all the time -- criticize her about stuff, though not the same stuff as yours -- and I finally (after many years) called her down privately and said "You wouldn't treat a friend that way, would you?" And Mom answered, literally "No -- BUT SHE'S MY DAUGHTER." Sheesh. Situation only really resolved itself when Mom got old (she's in her '80s now) and my sister took over as hospitality head of the family. Of course she won by _becoming Mom_ and she now pushes Mom around just the way Mom used to do her. So that's not a solution I'd recommend! So what I'd do is what my sister did _before_ she went over to the dark side :-). Keep your own counsel. Don't tell your mother as much about your plans. Start to cut loose from your Mom a little more. If she asks why, tell her the truth: everything she says is negative. But love her and honor her. If she can't accept how you need to be to grow into yourself, that is really her problem. Because whether she intends to or not, Mom is smothering you. She's trying to keep you close to the nest (at least psychologically) by attacking your confidence in your own decisions. It may have been done to her when she was a kid, and she's passing the hurt onto you because it is the only way she knows. And you may already have taken some of Mom's message to heart. My favorite bible passage is "The sins of the father are visited upon the sons, unto the tenth generation." Because it's just wisdom: when a person gets damaged in some way and doesn't learn from it, they tend to inflict that same damage onto their own children, and their children repeat the process. Shrinks know all about this. You need to be aware of this to help you cope with mom -- and make sure you're not doing it, yourself.