Hey guys & gals,
Before I start off on my little tirade or whatever you'd like to call it... let me first say that I realize that everybody has different ideas of parenthood and raising children.
Alittle background. I have a 10 yr old daughter and have been divorced for 6 years. Althought I separated 8 years ago. Took me two years to finally get my divorced finalized.
My ex-husband lives in New York. I am in Virginia. I have primary custody of her. He calls usually every Sunday if he remembers. And gets her when he comes in for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
During the summer, he usually takes her for 2 to 4 weeks to New York. Our agreement in the divorce papers did state that he was allowed to have her for 4 weeks that one year. However, it didn't say that this was a permanent visitation type order. Just that it was supposedly for that summer. She was 4 at the time and I felt it woudl be tramatic for her to be forced to go stay with her father. On the note, I have to say that during the 2 years of divorce proceedings, he barely spoke to her, much less visited. He was almost a stranger to her by the time this visitation came about.
That summer she was taken out the door by him. She was kicking, screaming and crying. One would almost feel that she was being beaten to death to have heard her.
Currently, she is in New York as I type this. She told her father for 2 months that she didn't want to go this year. I tried to warn him that she didn't want to go. He said that they, meaning her and him, would discuss it when the time came. She still didn't want to go right up til he got here. She asked him if she could stay and not go. No such luck.
Now, I realize that at 12, she will be able to decide and there won't be much he can do on it. My problem is what is happening now. She's been with him since Sunday. She's cried every time I've talked to her. She sounds like she's done alot of crying before and after phone calls. I realize that she's homesick.
But, tonight really made me wonder why he even takes her each summer. She took her computer, little pet shop collection, and video now with her. He doesn't have anything really there for her to play with. They've been there that long and he's not bothered to hook up the computer for her. She's watched her video now and dvd's on the laptop til she's almost got them memorized.
I understand he's allowed to decide what she can or can't eat and drink. I'm not sure if he's doing it this summer, but usually she is not allowed to have anything that has caffeine in it. However, he drinks it himself right there in front of her. I've never denied her certain drinks or foods. I do moderate how much she has of it. He did make a deal with her that he wouldn't drink any pop while she was there. I made a comment that it was rude to sit and drink that in front of someone and not allow them any. I'm sure if someone was to come into his home he would offer them whatever he had. I just can't see why it doesn't apply to her.
He tells her to be quiet so he can work. He's working from home for 2 weeks. Mostly on call. He doesn't want her to be on the couch. He lays down on it and complains when she's on it. She can't watch tv because he needs quiet time to be able to read while laying on the couch. And he needs quiet time to watch some poker show.
They've been swimming twice. And out to get bedding type stuff the day they arrived in New York. That's about the extent of the trips out of the apartment. The pool is part of the apartment building. I feel that if she was 12, he'd send her down alone so he wouldn't have to go. But, pool rules are under 12 must have a adult.
I've never done my child support review. That came over over 3 years ago. I've always been afraid to do it. But, now I'm thinking about getting a lawyer to help her be able to have the choice to go as well as get my support reviewed. The division that handles my support said they could do that on their own with their own laywers, but would take up to a year or more to see if there was a increase or decrease.
She's a bright child. She knows what she wants and knows how to make her own decisions. She's active and sometimes has trouble playing alone. She's very social and it's hard to keep her cooped up and occupied for long periods (ie winter).
I'm at my wits end.... I have been accused of being over protective and need to back off. Just tell her to hush about it and send her on her way. I feel guilty enough as it is telling her that this year might be different and he'll pay attention to her more than last time.
Should I get a lawyer and see about having the visitation amended? The decree didn't say that this was a yearly type visit. TFP is known for their wonderful advice, comments, suggestions. I'm not asking for anyone to sugar coat it. I just want it like it is.
