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When I read your post, I honestly thought that maybe my husband had written it, except that we have been married for nine years, not seventeen. Then I thought that maybe he just chaged a few details to try to remain annonymous because everything else sounded SO similiar, we have two children as well, he tends to pour himself into work and spend hours upon hours in his office on the computer, never lifting a finger to do any household chores or yard maintenance, and it sounds like I told him that I wanted a divorce about the same time that your wife told you (May 11). Anyway, that is where the similarities end.
My husband has handled this in the completely opposite way than the way you seem to be handling it. He was already a controlling, suspicious and insecure man, but after this news he went into overdrive. I told him that I felt smothered by his selfish nature and I needed space, and I did not want to have an intimate relationship with him during this time because I am not in love with him and have a lot of built up resentment. I let him know that I was considering moving back to my home state which is halfway across the country, and he proceeded to remove all of the money from our joint bank accounts. When I picked up one of the kids early from school for a doctor appointment one of his friends who he had gone crying to with only half the story, called him at work to tell him that I was leaving the school with the kids, so he gets in his car and drives towards the school, catches up to me, then follows me all the way to the doctor's office. He claims that he thought I was going to the airport.
He has been on my computer checking and reading my e-mails, in both my outlook account and my MSN account that he did not have the password to, but was able to break into using the "I forgot my password" hints. He tells me one day how much he loves me, but if I don't want to work on the marriage then I can start paying the bills. I have been a stay at home mom for the entire marriage and have no income to pay bills. I have had a few part-time odd jobs here and there, but nothing significant. In his mind working on the marriage is having sex because in his words sex is a "fundamental part" of marriage.
At night he would wake me up groping and pawing at me, when I refused his advances he would tell me how unfair it was to expect a married man to just go "cold turkey". One day he even called me on his cell phone and told me that he was at his lawyers office and if I did not aggree to start "being there for him" physically then he was going to file for divorce for me. I felt backed in a corner so I agreed, 20 minutes later he was at home in the bedroom undressing. I told him that I was sorry but he was moving too fast and of course he flipped out and pointed out that I had made an agreement with him. We started seeing a counseler when this started, but somehow he was able to charm her, she did not seem to get it until our last session. She kept insisting that I should just go through the "actions of love" and the feelings would come later, that feels like rape to me. I ended up opening up another bank account of my own to put any spare money that I happened to collect from family or friends, so that he would not have access to it. While doing so, the bank manager said that I qualified for a credit card, with a pretty good line of credit. Needless to say I have recently filed for divorce.
The main point I am trying to make is that the last thing you want to do is pressure her in ANY WAY. What she needs right now is some serious space, and if you truly love her more than yourself than you will give her that, without holding it over her head. It will probably help if you can try sleeping in a different room (don't kick her out of the bedroom). Don't walk in on her when she is in the bathroom under any circumstances. If she makes a snide comment meant to hurt you, let it roll. You have got to understand that she is in a really dark place right now and you are probably the last person she wants poking around trying to make her feel better. As long as you remain supportive but not overbearing in anyway, it will be noticed, even though it doesn't feel like it at all right now. I know it is difficult, but I think being patient is really the only thing you can do for her right now that will not cause her to further retreat.
Good Luck
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