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little_tippler · 06-09-2006, 06:14 AM

I think if she cheated on you this recently, that she shouldn't be making ultimatums - also, in a healthy relationship ultimatums shouldn't have to be made.

If your relationship isn't so healthy then you probably should not be considering moving in at all. Also the fact that she is demanding commitment from you this way is unreasonable in light of her recent actions.

In all fairness, if you have decided to forgive her then she shouldn't have her mistake held against her - but she SHOULD know better than to press you right now. What else could she expect but a straight "no"?

Also, you are not ready. Not only that, she is probably not the right girl - at least not now. Because right now you obviously want totally opposite things. She wants to "move in and make a commitment" and you want to "be free to have fun with the boys and play games". Unless either of you can compromise, it's never going to work.

I think also, that even though you say you love her and want to be with her, that maybe you don't like her as much as you think. Or at least, aren't as unconditionally in love as you think. Because if you've been with her for 2 years and you don't want to live with her, at all, and she has only stayed at your place 3 times in the time you've been together, well then you guys don't sound so "tight". Living with someone doesn't mean being with them all the time, not if you have some amount of independence and separate interests. Nor does it mean your friends can't come over, if people understand that their partner's friends are to a great extent part of the package.

Whatever you do, you owe it to yourself and also to her to tell her the truth. If SHE is that committed and you are that sure that it's just a question of wrong timing, then the living together step will be something you both can put on hold for a while.

Edit: Wanted to add something - I wonder if I'm mistaken when I say this line of thought is something that has gone through your mind (and many peoples') often:

I think I really love her, but sometimes she is so bossy...I'm not sure if I could take that all the time...also sometimes she does/says that annoying little thing (whatever it is) and I have told her already I don't like it much and could she try and tone it down...but she just does it the same anyway...damn sometimes she is such an annoying bitch....but I love her...it will all smooth out in the end....because I want it to...she's such a great girl...this has to work out....I really love her....but what if it all goes horribly wrong...it won't I will make things work....

Ok I know this sounds like a lot of rambling but this would be a train of thought so to speak. I think that if you are thinking this way, in a yesnoyesno sort of way, that the relationship doesn't have a future. When you are giving up too much, accepting too much, and trying that hard to make the relationship work, I think possibly it's not going to work. Speaking from my own experience. If you have doubts about small but essential things, and the other person is with almost all certainty not going to change those things, eventually the relationship will fail. I know how it is when you're so sure that your love is strong, but little daily things are mining it and you try and skip over them like they are nothing. In the end, it doesn't work that way.

For me it was things like completely ignoring me when it suited him, never apologizing - ever, and thinking it was very important that his friends thought I was hot and told him so regularly.

06-09-2006, 06:14 AM	#33 (permalink)
little_tippler Leaning against the -Sun- Super Moderator Location: on the other side	I think if she cheated on you this recently, that she shouldn't be making ultimatums - also, in a healthy relationship ultimatums shouldn't have to be made. If your relationship isn't so healthy then you probably should not be considering moving in at all. Also the fact that she is demanding commitment from you this way is unreasonable in light of her recent actions. In all fairness, if you have decided to forgive her then she shouldn't have her mistake held against her - but she SHOULD know better than to press you right now. What else could she expect but a straight "no"? Also, you are not ready. Not only that, she is probably not the right girl - at least not now. Because right now you obviously want totally opposite things. She wants to "move in and make a commitment" and you want to "be free to have fun with the boys and play games". Unless either of you can compromise, it's never going to work. I think also, that even though you say you love her and want to be with her, that maybe you don't like her as much as you think. Or at least, aren't as unconditionally in love as you think. Because if you've been with her for 2 years and you don't want to live with her, at all, and she has only stayed at your place 3 times in the time you've been together, well then you guys don't sound so "tight". Living with someone doesn't mean being with them all the time, not if you have some amount of independence and separate interests. Nor does it mean your friends can't come over, if people understand that their partner's friends are to a great extent part of the package. Whatever you do, you owe it to yourself and also to her to tell her the truth. If SHE is that committed and you are that sure that it's just a question of wrong timing, then the living together step will be something you both can put on hold for a while. Edit: Wanted to add something - I wonder if I'm mistaken when I say this line of thought is something that has gone through your mind (and many peoples') often: I think I really love her, but sometimes she is so bossy...I'm not sure if I could take that all the time...also sometimes she does/says that annoying little thing (whatever it is) and I have told her already I don't like it much and could she try and tone it down...but she just does it the same anyway...damn sometimes she is such an annoying bitch....but I love her...it will all smooth out in the end....because I want it to...she's such a great girl...this has to work out....I really love her....but what if it all goes horribly wrong...it won't I will make things work.... Ok I know this sounds like a lot of rambling but this would be a train of thought so to speak. I think that if you are thinking this way, in a yesnoyesno sort of way, that the relationship doesn't have a future. When you are giving up too much, accepting too much, and trying that hard to make the relationship work, I think possibly it's not going to work. Speaking from my own experience. If you have doubts about small but essential things, and the other person is with almost all certainty not going to change those things, eventually the relationship will fail. I know how it is when you're so sure that your love is strong, but little daily things are mining it and you try and skip over them like they are nothing. In the end, it doesn't work that way. For me it was things like completely ignoring me when it suited him, never apologizing - ever, and thinking it was very important that his friends thought I was hot and told him so regularly. __________________ Whether we write or speak or do but look We are ever unapparent. What we are Cannot be transfused into word or book. Our soul from us is infinitely far. However much we give our thoughts the will To be our soul and gesture it abroad, Our hearts are incommunicable still. In what we show ourselves we are ignored. The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged By any skill of thought or trick of seeming. Unto our very selves we are abridged When we would utter to our thought our being. We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams, And each to each other dreams of others' dreams. Fernando Pessoa, 1918 Last edited by little_tippler; 06-09-2006 at 06:28 AM..