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Wow. Tecoyah, been there done that, got the t-shirt that reads "Scarred". I went through it at the age of 22.
I had a convenience store manager offer me free hot dogs because it was the end of his shift and he needed to throw them out. Anybody who has worked in fast food knows the drill. You have to dispose of food that has been standing for a certain length because it achieves the distinction of "unclean".
I turned him down. My mother was passing at the time and I had an appetite that bordered on tacks. Anything I could do to internalize hate, sorrow, remorse, regret and anger was great by me. The darker works of Depeche Mode were a big deal with me at the time. Clean, the cleanest I've been.... truthfully, I was full off the wagon and dating an underage slut at the time. But we all deal how we deal.
In the last moment of my mother's life, I tried to hyper-achieve. I tried to found a healthy relationship. I tried to account for misspent idiocy. But in the end, the end. It came as predicted and as unlikely as predicted. One day she didn't make sense. My dad took her to her encologist. And then a day later she died in her bed, downstairs, where she didn't habe to try so hard to get to her resting place.
That was the most formative five seconds of my life. In that instant, I was surrounded by family, but on my own. And that was a good thing. Learning to deal. Five seconds hit me like a ton of bricks, and five seconds left me like a hurricane evacuation. I have gone places, and I have learned things, and that has all been due to those five seconds. In five seconds, I learned the huge difference between importance and irrelevance.
Get out. Learn. Take chances. Fuck chance.
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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet
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