analog

Been through something similar... when you destroy a person's love for you, it is very, very hard to build it back up.

Picture it this way...

Your wife's love for you was a bridge between the two of you. When you made the love bridge, you layed large, strong bricks. When you destroyed it, you pulverized every stone with a giant hammer, breaking them down into tiny pieces of rock.

Now you want to build that bridge back again, but now you've gotta put it back together with tiny, tiny pieces of broken love.

You may not make it, i'm not going to inflate your chances. You are, however, headed in the right direction to try and mend this broken connection. Keep trying hard, stay with it, and hopefully you'll start making some headway. I will say that the fact she's going to counseling with you is good... but healing takes a while. Be patient.

If at some point, you feel like you've been trying for forever to win her back, and not making any headway, and you feel like giving up, you're just trying to justify quitting. As long as she's receptive at all, you keep going, no matter how little progress it seems like you're making.

It will almost always appear that you've made less progress than you actually have, because the emotional defense mechanisms are stronger than the real feelings. A large portion of this kind of problem is overcoming the emotional defenses she's created to cushion herself from harm. It's normal for a person to love someone, but still refuse to allow them back in, for fear of being hurt again- it happens all the time.

Keep up the good work, it sounds like your heart's in the right place.