Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post

Sharon · 05-27-2006, 06:09 PM

Thanks for all your responses - I'm continually impressed by the clarity of thought that runs through even seemingly polarised opinions here on TFP.

I don't really know what it is I am feeling guilty about. If I am really honest with myself, I am probably more worried what others would think of me if they knew. I know we are all supposed to live by our own compass and all that, but it is likely a part of my self-esteem issues that I am bothered about whether my friends, family, colleagues, or even other strangers would lose respect and affection for me.

On the question of whether (and why) I feel it was wrong, I don't really know how to define "wrong". It's just not what good girls are supposed to do, and I've always been a "good girl" in the eyes of those around me, and have had to try to keep it up to keep them happy... little do they know what goes on in my head.

I know doing it again won't work (at making me feel better about myself), at least not long term. In the midst of the experience, there was a huge rush in walking on the wild side, the thrill of being a "bad girl" at last, the physical pleasure that I derive from being in discomfort. It's a bit like eating very rich chocolate or something - you know you shouldn't, but it feels good, and for some reason, knowing you will regret it later makes you want it more. Although this is probably the craziest thing I've done thus far in terms of quantity, I have done other things before on (on a smaller numerical scale). And there's a lot more where this fantasy came from, a side of myself I have struggled to tame.

I am somewhat terrified of counsellors and therapists and "getting help". I don't like the idea of formally acknowledging that I am screwed up, although it is painfully obvious that I am... and I don't like the idea of facing anyone and telling them what I think about, without the benefit of anonymity. My mother for one would have a heart attack (and disown me with her dying breath) if she ever found out.

05-27-2006, 06:09 PM	#12 (permalink)
Sharon Coy, sultry and... naughty! Location: Across the way	Thanks for all your responses - I'm continually impressed by the clarity of thought that runs through even seemingly polarised opinions here on TFP. I don't really know what it is I am feeling guilty about. If I am really honest with myself, I am probably more worried what others would think of me if they knew. I know we are all supposed to live by our own compass and all that, but it is likely a part of my self-esteem issues that I am bothered about whether my friends, family, colleagues, or even other strangers would lose respect and affection for me. On the question of whether (and why) I feel it was wrong, I don't really know how to define "wrong". It's just not what good girls are supposed to do, and I've always been a "good girl" in the eyes of those around me, and have had to try to keep it up to keep them happy... little do they know what goes on in my head. I know doing it again won't work (at making me feel better about myself), at least not long term. In the midst of the experience, there was a huge rush in walking on the wild side, the thrill of being a "bad girl" at last, the physical pleasure that I derive from being in discomfort. It's a bit like eating very rich chocolate or something - you know you shouldn't, but it feels good, and for some reason, knowing you will regret it later makes you want it more. Although this is probably the craziest thing I've done thus far in terms of quantity, I have done other things before on (on a smaller numerical scale). And there's a lot more where this fantasy came from, a side of myself I have struggled to tame. I am somewhat terrified of counsellors and therapists and "getting help". I don't like the idea of formally acknowledging that I am screwed up, although it is painfully obvious that I am... and I don't like the idea of facing anyone and telling them what I think about, without the benefit of anonymity. My mother for one would have a heart attack (and disown me with her dying breath) if she ever found out.