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You can't fill that hole in your self-concept with penis, however fun (or not fun) that may be. You need to work on youself, and the best way I can see to do that would be with the help of someone who is trained to do that. It sounds like you have a lot of negative self-talk going on. I have a friend who was depressed for a very long time that did that, and once she started talking to a therapist she got her issues worked out the way she wanted to and she is much better for it.
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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)
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