Sharon

I don't know anyone in real life I can share this with at this point, but the past few days have been emotional torture for me so I'm turning to you for what will hopefully be... well at this point I don't really know what I hope it will be or what to expect in response.

Earlier this week, I was experiencing some of the lowest self-esteem I have had in a while - words like lonely, undesirable, unpretty, frustrated etc all come to mind but are wholly inadequate for how I felt at the time. I went to the supermarket intending to buy a bottle of tequila, but instead found myself in front of the condom rack actually considering something I had thought about, even fantasised about, many times without ever thinking I'd get to the point where I would act on and go through with it.

I guess that night I got to that point.

I purchased a twelve pack of condoms, went to somewhere I knew the chances of anyone recognising me would be minimal (hint: lots of tourists, about to leave the country via airborne transport), and approached random unaccompanied guys to have sex in the toilets. The first guy was the most difficult, from just approaching him to afterwards when I stood there wondering what the hell was wrong with me and why I was doing it, and after that I felt like I just became numb emotionally and the time between finishing with one guy and locking a cubicle door with another shortened.

After just over four hours, the pack of condoms was empty, I headed back home and cried until late into the night. I felt wretched - dirty and cheap and no more attractive than before I had hooked up with twelve strangers I didn't care about, and actually felt physically repulsed by in a few cases. Confusingly, I both felt incredible regret for having done it, and an ache to do it again to see whether it would work this time. I was angry and bitter towards the men for doing this to me, and towards myself, who I knew was actually to blame.

What makes this worse is that I can't tell anybody. If I had previously heard of someone else doing the same, I wouldn't have thought very highly of them and consequently I can't imagine anyone else thinking differently of me.

It's been two days and I haven't been able to get much work done, have no appetite, and the temptation to do something similar again is almost unbearable. I want to scream.