So, I'm resurrecting this thread because ktspktsp and I may be getting married soon,
and I have been unable to resolve this issue for myself...
First of all, ktspktsp says I can choose whichever name I want, which is nice of him (I wouldn't be marrying someone who was forcing me to change my name to his).
However, I don't think he wants to change his own name after we marry. So I guess if I change my name, then I'll be changing part of my identity and he won't. I'm not sure how I feel about that... I'd like for both of us to be changing something fundamental about the way we identify ourselves, because marriage is just one of those major life-deals that deserves a change.
I'm just not sure if changing names is required.
However, let's say I follow tradition and change my last name to his. My name has always been rather difficult to spell and pronounce for most people, and it's also a bit messed up culturally, so in some senses I wouldn't mind changing it. My father was Icelandic, and as Cyn explained earlier, I should have taken his first name (followed by the addition "-dottir") as my last name if I was born in Iceland.
However, instead my mother made that father-dottir combo into my middle name, and she and I both have my father's last name as our own (she changed hers). So my last name is the same as my father's last name, which is HIS father's name followed by "-son"... so here is my whole name: my first name (taken from my Icelandic grandmother), my middle name (daughter of my Icelandic father), and my last name (son of my Icelandic grandfather). That's a whole lot of Icelandic naming going on.
Basically, my current middle name SHOULD have been my last name, if I had been born in Iceland. As a matter of tradition, Icelandic women NEVER change their last names after marriage; there ARE no family names there, just the first name of your father... and some people use their mother's first name, these days. So, if I take ktspktsp's last name and keep my proper Icelandic middle name (father's -dottir), then it will basically be like I kept my proper maiden name as a middle name, no harm done. Not to mention ktspktsp's name is easier to spell and pronounce and is higher in the alphabet.
I also feel like since we are merging our lives, I want to give up part of my Icelandic name and take his Lebanese name, to signify that we are sharing those cultures with each other and with our children. But then his whole name is still Lebanese.
Not sure what to do there... we'll have to talk about it.
Also, I *am* somewhat attached to my maiden name, though, as messed up as it is! It's what I got for being born in America, and it's what I've been known as for my whole life. When I was teaching, my students made all kinds of nicknames for me based on my last name, which I loved. But I no longer teach, and I haven't published anything significant yet (I'm a PhD student), so changing my name this year is not going to harm anything professionally. But it does change my heretofore American identity... since I am not really culturally Icelandic, and my name reflects my mixed-up upbringing... which I take great pride in.
So, basically I am leaning towards taking his last name and keeping my middle name (since it's technically my Icelandic last name, anyway)... though maybe I should throw in a Thai name somewhere?
But I'd like to have suggestions for how the man can reflect the change in his life after marriage. I kinda like what both lurkette and redgirl said about having their husbands sacrifice something else, even if it wasn't their own name, in order for the women to take the husbands' name. Has anyone else had experience with that?
Thanks for reading my convoluted name story.