i found a journal the other day with these things i wrote when i was younger (15&16) and in an institution. <- i know that sounds weird... but it happens.
i am neither insane nor do i believe i have a personality disorder, but i was spawned in in the most inhospitable place imaginable, for one like me...
bible belt, texas.
people really didn't know what to thnk of me, especially my parents, so they said, "hey, why don't we stash her in an institution in bumfuck, idaho!
"
anyway, they kept me good and drugged and here is some of what came of that:
------------------Whited Out------------------
he opens my chart and reads...
pretending i am invisible.
so i
SCREAM...
but my voice gets absorbed into the crumbling, polystyrene walls.
and theres this little boy, of not even five,
screaming in the "observation" room-
all dressed in whites.
and i...
i can't quite fathom the point of all this
everything never tastes the same
and is always changing colors.
and for two days straight,
my happiness was a dead butterfly
on the other side of a window that will not shatter.
but then i realized,...
it was really just a dead leaf.
--------------------------------------------------
-word play-
jivacious johnny-jo
kicks and yells as they
readily and repeatedly restrain her
the woeful wreckage of walls
wobble while she wails on them
with fist and feet
sappily sad and screaming
noone but naives pays notice to her
even as the errupting echoes
amplify and take over
and she doesn't even know how to play solitaire...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-more wordplay-
garbage girl growingly goes
pondering and preparing
love and life without expense
but
she spends sacred
time taking
menacing men
apart and
feverishly finds
that her lascivious laser-light love
was really round, "ripe"
fake fruit
like that on her grandmother's dining room table.
feeling from every
dismal direction, dizziness dictates
as heinous hands hungrily
grasp, grope
for her
paper and pen sanity
needingly knowing naughtily
that she can
eagerly escape everything
with her
palpable pacifying poetry book
safety shield
while her stronger self
will prodigiously and preciously pay
lovely little troublemaker
who used to
dance devilishly at deliverance of difficulties
now crashes and crumbles
when either crisis or crucifix comes
she's now the
deliciously delicate diving spider
with her anti-male, air-spun
water web
and she
carefully carries
the breathing bubble between
her legs.