WhoaitsZ

here ya go. this is LONG, its got the opening (talking about Like a Virgin) and them the tiping sceene.
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(INT. UNCLE BOB'S PANCAKE HOUSE - MORNING

Eight men dressed in BLACK SUITS, sit around a table at a breakfast cafe. They are MR. WHITE, MR. PINK, MR. BLUE, MR. BLONDE, MR. ORANGE, MR. BROWN, NICE GUY EDDIE CABOT, and the big boss, JOE CABOT. Most are finished eating and are enjoying coffee and conversation. Joe flips through a small address book. Mr. Brown is telling a long and involved story about Madonna.)

MR. BROWN
Let me tell you what Like a Virgin's about. It's all about a girl who digs a guy with a big dick. The entire song-- it's a metaphor for big dicks.

MR. BLUE
No, it ain't. It's about a girl who's very vulnerable. She's been fucked over a few times and then she meets a guy who's very sensitive.

MR. BROWN
Whoa! whoa...time out Greenbay. Tell that fucking bullshit to the tourists.

JOE
Toby? Who the fuck is Toby?

MR. BROWN
Like a Virgin's not about some sensitive girl who meets a nice fella. That's what True Blue's about. Granted, no argument about that.

MR. ORANGE
Which one's true Blue?

NICE GUY EDDIE
You ain't heard True Blue? It was a big ass hit for Madonna. I don't even follow that Tops of the Pops shit, and even I've heard of True Blue.

MR. ORANGE
Yeah, so - I ain't saying I ain't heard of it. You know; all I asked is how's it go. Excuse me for not being the world's biggest Madonna fan.

MR. BLONDE
Personally, I can do without her.

MR. BLUE
I used to like her early stuff-- Borderline. When she got all into that Papa Don't Preach phase, I tuned out.

MR. BROWN
You guys are like making me lose my train of thought here. I was saying something. What was it?

JOE
Oh, Toby's that little Chinese girl. What was her last name?

MR. WHITE
What's that?

JOE
It's an old address book I found in a coat I haven't worn in a coon's age. What was that name?

MR. BROWN
What the fuck was I talking about?

MR. PINK
You said True Blue was about a sensitive girl who meets a nice guy, but Like a Virgin was a metaphor for big dicks.

MR. BROWN
Ok. Let me tell you what Like a Virgin's about. It's all about this cooz who's a regular fuck machine. I'm talking morning, day, night, afternoon-- dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.

MR. BLUE
How many dicks is that?

MR. WHITE
A lot.

MR. BROWN
Then one day she meets this John Holmes motherfucker, and it's like, whoa, baby. This cat is like Charles Bronson in the great escape. He's digging tunnels. She's getting this serious dick action and feeling something she ain't felt since forever-- pain. Pain.

JOE
Chu? Toby Chu?

MR. BROWN
It hurts. It hurts her. It shouldn't hurt her. Her pussy should be bubbleyum by now, but when this cat fucks her, it hurts. It hurts just like it did the first time. You see, the pain is reminding a fuck machine what it was like to be a virgin. Hence: Like a Virgin.

JOE
Wong.

MR. WHITE
Give me that fucking thing.

JOE
What the hell do you think you're doing? Give me my book back.

MR. WHITE
I'm sick of fucking hearing it, Joe. I'll give it back to you when we leave.

JOE
What do you mean when we leave? Give me it back now.

MR. WHITE
For the past 15 minutes now, you've been droning on about names. Toby... Toby... Toby... Toby Wong... Toby Wong... Toby Wong... Toby Chung... Fucking Charlie Chan. I've got Madonna's big dick coming out of my left ear and Toby the Jap I-don't-know-what, coming out of my right.

JOE
Give me that book.

MR. WHITE
Are you going to put it away?

JOE
I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want with it.

MR. WHITE
Well, then, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to keep it.

MR. BLONDE
Hey, Joe, want me to shoot this guy?

MR. WHITE
Shit. You shoot me in a dream, you better wake up and apologize.

(They laugh.)

EDDIE
You guys been listening to K-Billy's Super Sounds of the Seventies weekend?

MR. PINK
Oh, yeah, man, that's fucking great isn't it?

EDDIE
Can you believe the songs they been playing?

MR. PINK
You know what I heard the other day? Heartbeat (It's a Love Beat) by Little Tony deFranco and the deFranco family. Man I haven't heard that since I was in fifth fuckin' grade.

EDDIE
When I was coming down here, The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia came on. I ain't heard that song since it was big. When it was big, I must of heard it a million trillion fucking times. This is the first time I ever realized the girl singing the song is the one who shot Andy.

MR. BROWN
What? You mean you didn't know Vicki Lawrence was the one who shot Andy?

EDDIE
I thought the cheating wife shot Andy.

MR. ORANGE
They say that at the end of the song.

EDDIE
I know, motherfucker! I just heard it! That's what I'm talking about!

(They laugh.)

I must have zoned out during that part before.

JOE
All right. I'll take care of the check. You guys can get the tip. Should be about a buck apiece. And you, when I come back, I want my book.

MR. WHITE
Sorry. It's my book now.

JOE
Hey, I changed my mind. Shoot this piece of shit, will you?

(They laugh.)

EDDIE
All right. Everybody cough up some green for the little lady.

Come on. Throw in a buck.

MR. PINK
Uh-uh. I don't tip.

EDDIE
You don't tip?

MR. PINK
No - I don't believe in it.

EDDIE
You don't believe in tipping?

MR. BLUE
You know what these chicks make? They make shit.

MR. PINK
Don't give me that. She don't make enough money, she can quit.

(Mr. Blonde laughs.)

EDDIE
I don't even know a fucking Jew who'd have the balls to say that. Let me just get this straight. You don't ever tip, huh?

MR. PINK
I don't tip because society says I have to. Alright, I mean I'll tip if somebody really deserves a tip, if they really put forth the effort, I'll give 'em something extra, but I mean this tipping automatically is for the birds.

(Eddie laughs.)

I mean as far as I'm concerned they're just doing their job.

MR. BLUE
Hey, this girl was nice.

MR. PINK
She was OK - but she wasn't anything special.

MR. BLUE
What's special, take you in the back and suck your dick?

(They laugh.)

EDDIE
I'd go over 12% for that.

MR. PINK
Hey Look, I ordered coffee, right? Now we've been here a long fuckin time, and she's only filled my cup three times. When I order coffee, I want it filled six times

MR. BLONDE
Six times? Well, you know, what if she's too fucking busy?

MR. PINK
Words "too fucking busy" shouldn't be in a waitress' vocabulary.

EDDIE
Excuse me, Mr. Pink - the last fucking thing you need's another cup of coffee.

MR. PINK
Jesus Christ - I mean these ladies aren't starving to death. They make minimum wage. You know, I used to work minimum wage. And when I did, I wasn't lucky enough to have a job society deemed tip-worthy.

MR. BLUE
You don't care they're counting on your tips to live?

(Mr. Pink rubs two of his fingers together.)

MR. PINK
You know what this is? It's the world's smallest violin playing just for the waitresses.

MR. WHITE
You don't have any idea what you're talking about. These people bust their ass. This is a hard job.

MR. PINK
So's working at McDonald's, but you don't feel the need to tip them, do you? Why not? They're servin ya food. But no, society says don't tip these guys over here, but tip these guys over here. That's bullshit.

MR. WHITE
Waitressing is the number one occupation for female noncollege graduates in this country. It's the one job basically any woman can get and make a living on. The reason is because of their tips.

MR. PINK
(pauses) Fuck all that.

(They all laugh.)

MR. BROWN
Jesus Christ!

MR. PINK
Hey, I'm very sorry that the government taxes their tips. That's fucked up. That ain't my fault. It would appear that waitresses are just one of the many groups the government fucks in the ass on a regular basis. You show me a paper says the government shouldn't do that, I'll sign it. Put it to a vote, I'll vote for it. But what I won't do is play ball. And this non-college bullshit you're giving me, I got two words for that: "Learn to fuckin type." Cause if you're expecting me to help out with the rent, you're in for a big fuckin' surprise.

MR. ORANGE
Hey - he's convinced me. Give me my dollar back.

EDDIE
Hey! Leave the dollars there.

JOE
All right, ramblers, let's get ramblin'. Wait a minute. Who didn't throw in?

MR. ORANGE
Mr. Pink.

JOE
Mr. Pink? Why not?

MR. ORANGE
He don't tip.

JOE
He don't tip? What do you mean you don't tip?

MR. ORANGE
He don't believe in it.

JOE
Shut up. What do you mean you don't believe in it? Come on, you, cough up a buck, you cheap bastard. I paid for your goddamn breakfast.

MR. PINK
Alright - since you paid for the breakfast, I'll put in, but normally I would never do this.

JOE
Never mind what you normally would do. Just cough in your goddamn buck like everybody else. Thank you.

RADIO