SecretMethod70

You know what they say about assuming. Even with things that you believe to be basic ways of thinking, your partner may hold a completely different outlook. Even with things that you think are unimportant, your partner may place a great deal of importance on.

This is why communication is so necessary in relationships. Communication and willingness to compromise, because, without that willingness, "communication" isn't communication at all - it's talking at each other. Fundamental differences in ways of thinking and in opinions are impossible to avoid in relationships. The real question is how one deals with such things.*

Communication is important not simply when differences come up, but also when no differences are immediately apparent. Onodrim and I, for example, discuss pretty much everything with one another, and because of that we know where the other stands on just about every issue that is mildly important to us. It's a lot easier to talk about fundamental differences in opinion when they're not at issue than to wait until they are. Of course, it's also important to keep talking about things simply because opinions do change.

When fundamental differences are revealed in the moment as opposed to in advance, both people still have a choice as to how to deal with it: either let it remain a problem, or discuss it, try to see the other person's point of view, be open to changing your own point of view if possible, and consider the relative importance of the subject to each person.

Both members of a couple certainly don't have to agree about everything. As midgard pointed out, there are certainly many differences which do not have anything to do with the relationship itself. To use roadkill's example though, if one member thinks a subject is obscure (and, I'm going to assume, also relatively unimportant to the relationship) and the other member holds a more powerful and contrary view, that is when communication is most valuable. The first step after opening communication with one another is to try and see each other's point of view. This may not change anything, but an understanding of where the other person is coming from is absolutely necessary if progress is to be made. While learning to see things from the other person's point of view, one should also be open-minded enough to change points of view. This is often not a possibility when dealing with emotion-based opinions, but it is certainly possible when dealing with logical opinions. Finally, if one person is not swayed to the other's side (and, note, it is not about convincing the other person, but about sharing thoughts and feelings with the other person and allowing yourself to be shared to as well), then sometimes it is necessary to make concessions. When an issue is important to one person and relatively unimportant to the other, the second person needs to ask themselves what is more important to them: the relationship, or the "obscure" issue.**

Often, it seems, one of these steps is missing in a relationship. In the worst case scenario, things are not discussed for any number of reasons. Or, if the issue is discussed, either or both parties are not also willing to listen. Perhaps they listen, but are not capable or willing to make the concession or compromise necessary to save the relationship. These are only a few ways I see fundamental differences - even over relatively minor issues - causing the collapse of relationships.

The only reason I think my relationship with onodrim has lasted 6.5 years is because of a willingness to do all these things on both our parts. Few things are likely to surprise us: not only do we have a grasp on one another regarding the bigger issues, but we've also explored one another's preference in seemingly obscure subjects such as home decor, and we have done so since before it was even a remote possibility that we would live together in the near future. Perhaps it's because we've spent most of our relationship apart and, so, communicate about just about anything and everything is all we could really do with one another, but I honestly can't imagine a relationship being as healthy or relatively easy without having done so.

So, I don't think fundamental differences are actually the cause of relationship problems. What it comes down to is closed or stubborn minds. Obviously not everything can be agreed upon (nor does it need to be), and not every opinion or emotional reaction can be changed, but simply having a willingness to consider such things goes a very long way towards resolving differences. This is especially true when dealing with issues that are important to one but minor to the other.

visotech hit the nail on the head: "Gotta look at the larger picture, then make a decision from there..." Again, there is a difference between emotional responses and logical opinions. One cannot simply alter an emotional response simply by looking at the larger picture and wishing they did not have such a response. But, if both people in the relationship are willing to look at the larger picture, I think a resolution can be reached more often than not to save the relationship, and doing so is often well worth whatever concessions need to be made.

* Throughout this post I speak about fundamental differences that are not "deal-breakers" to both people involved in the relationship. I don't think it's worth discussing dual "deal-breaker" differences since the outcome of such a situation is pretty clear.

** I am also concerning myself primarily with differences that do relate to the relationship in some way throughout this post. Differences such as political ideologies need not have anything to do with the relationship other than being a source of friendly debate. Even then, though, if both people in the relationship aren't willing or interested in listening to the thoughts of the other and potentially learning from them, then what's the point?

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Le temps détruit tout

"Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling